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How Could He?!!!! Relationship advice PLEASE!!!

zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

Please I need some advice because I have a history of not being great at looking at my own relationships from a clear perspective.

I met this nice guy, who has been vegan before and is *kindof* vegetarian. Well I have had pretty awful IBS in the last year, alternating between C and D (lovely I know...). My diet is severely restricted. I can't eat a lot of things it seems. Or I feel sick and like I am dying and like I want to shoot myself in the head. Really. I've told him this and he knows because sometimes I don't want to move from the couch or hang out (if I eat certain things)

I asked him recently if it was okay with him that I eat such boring foods (to a SAD dieter, energy soup is delicious to me). And he said that "food is how people bond" and I guess that's true. He comes from a Jewish family where his mom cooks tons of stuff, and last time I went there I took laxatives the whole time. He's naturally pretty healthy and not a spiritual person, so he feels no need to go raw. I feel like there is tons of ways to connect with people unrelated to food, but for some reason this is an issue for him. What I consider delicious and what he considers delicious are entirely different.

I also watch no tv and he does. And I requested that he stop viewing pornography because it is against my moral beliefs... I don't know whether he complies or not... I have a feeling not though (breaking habits is hard).

I guess we haven't been connecting much the past couple days because I felt sick yesterday and we're both studying a lot for school... The main issue is that he doesn't think what I eat is tasty and I won't eat what he eats because it would kill me.

I feel like his response is kind of jerky. If he really loved me he would support me... I feel like I'll never be able to try fasting because he would want me to pay attention to him not myself.

How do you guys think I should handle it? Do you think his behavior is kind of out of line? Please let me know, I need a pair of fresh eyes to take a look.

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Comments

  • gratefultobegratefultobe Raw Newbie

    Hi Zin,

    I think if he's a nice guy you should try to not focus so much on your differences but what you do both enjoy about each other. I know it's not easy and it may not work out forever but if you are happy spending time together now be flexible. I doesn't sound like he is trying to change what you eat or do so try to return the favor. Eventually, if you are just too different and you naturally gravitate to people more in tune with yourselves that's ok and truthfully highly likely at the stage of life I think your in.

    The porn, ugg so common but there is a way of being respectful around you and that's not asking too much. BUT they all like it. [oops sorry for generalizing ;) ]

    The main thing I want to tell you is I hope you are feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed soon! Its no fun for you or him if you're sick and unhappy. Can you make that your main goal? Find what is best for you and do it. It sounds like you haven't found what you need to be the healthiest you. I know school is a really challenging time, overwhelming really. Studying, money, social life and health on top of that!

    But, you are not alone. Connect with him & his family in ways that are positive for both sides. Do not accommodate anyone's pushiness with laxatives, no apologies. But you need to get healthy my dear. I wish you the BEST!

    hugs, Mary

  • schmoopeeschmoopee Raw Newbie

    I think you should never ask a question unless you're prepared for an honest answer. Sounds like he was honest.

    It also sounds like the food may be a bigger issue for you than it might be for him. Had he been mentioning it before? My first reaction was...Why would you ask anyone "if it was okay" that you ate what you believed was right for you?

    In my experience, we create our own "issues." If you don't make the food an issue, just eat what you want while he does the same, each being respectful of each other, why would it be a problem.

    People will always respond better to your raw vegan lifestyle if you do it seamlessly, don't verbally obsess about it, and if you are respectful of the way others choose to eat.

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    I asked because I wanted an honest answer, and I appreciate your reactions and support. I do think being sick made me act out of character in asking that question "is it okay". I guess I was also kind of subconsciously asking if he like me enough to put up with me feeling awful sometimes.

    I never said I wasn't crazy sometimes!

    I think he is supportive enough, even if he doesn't really understand where I am coming from all the time.

    On a side note, I just ordered Self Healing Colitis and Crohn's by David Klein. Hopefully he helps me get a better hold on this seemingly out of control problem.

  • TomsMomTomsMom Raw Newbie

    Well, you asked for an honest answer, so I hope I don't hurt your feelings.

    Your boyfriend is rather infantile. He's still into satisfying himself, with Mommy's food and pornography. He really needs time to mature, and that does not mean you have to cater to him in any way. Pornography is degrading to women, and the fact that he is still openly watching it, when he knows how you feel, is not good.

    My family is ethnic, with my father's family being Italian and my mother's family being Jewish, so I know how our boys can be. True, food is bonding time, but that does NOT mean you are forced to shove it down your throat when it sickens you. It is the sitting around the table with family that is the "bonding" experience, regardless of what you put in your mouth.

    And frankly, if your guy's mother refuses to offer you food that you can enjoy that does not cause you physical pain, she is giving you a big hint, okay? I'm not trying to be mean, but with women in my family, refusing to be hospitable to you in this manner, regardless of smiles and hugs, is a huge signal.

    You should never, ever, ever feel forced to drug your body for the reasons you describe.

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Toms Mom that was exactly the answer that I was looking for! Hopeful, consoling, and providing guidance. I really appreciate it.

  • TomsMomTomsMom Raw Newbie

    Zinfandel, I was absolutely floored when I read your first post. You are always so sweet to people, and I just wanted to kick some butt for you. After I wrote my post, I thought maybe you would think I was upset at you, so I'm relieved. Hugs, kiddo!

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Aww, gracias. You are an angel of a being and I'd be honored to know you in real life as well.

  • TomsMomTomsMom Raw Newbie

    I'm blushing:-)

  • MeditatingMeditating Raw Newbie

    ZINFADEL - I am sorry to hear about your IBS. I know 2 people who suffer with this illness and it is debilitating. I would not wish it on anyone. While I have no experience with IBS, I have read that extended water fasting can have a profound impact healing IBS. You can go to FastingConnection.com and post a question about it. There is a doctor who regularly visits the site and oversees a fasting clinic in South Africa. He has supervised thousands of fasts and will probably respond to your post. Extended water fasts are much easier than you would imagine and really do help with numerous medical issues.

    As for your BF, it does sound like you may have more of an issue with how you feel about your diet than he does. I can appreciate that someone feels uncomfortable with a dietary regime as I have done that myself. Food is a major source of socializing and expressing / sharing one's culture, so it is particularly difficult during the holidays if you can't partake.

    I was struck by something you wrote - "He's naturally pretty healthy and not a spiritual person, so he feels no need to go raw." Perhaps eating raw is a spiritual experience for you but to think this connection should be there for others seems unusually judgmental to me. He probably doesn't want to change his diet anymore than you do. Whenever we feel ridiculed, ostracized, or misunderstood about something, including our diet, it is not unusual to unintentionally become guilty of the same thing and then project those feelings on others. I think this is normal and everyone has been guilty of it at one time or another. I know I have unknowingly done it on many occasions. You may want to think about why you chose to express your feelings by making a statement like that.

    One thing I have done when I want to change my internal monologue is to write positive affirmations on a card and say them to myself when I wake up and go to sleep. I keep the card under my pillow. They should only be positive statements and you should say them, out loud if possible, with genuine affection and belief, as you visualize scenarios in your life where the statements are true. You may feel really stupid when you start but I promise they will seep into your unconscious mind and become part of your belief system. You could try something like, "I know that my family and friends love me and want what is best for me. They support me in my efforts to feed my body what it requires to be as healthy as possible and I am so thankful for their support."

    A few years ago I needed a part-time assistant for a few weeks and hired a young woman who worked in my building and she helped me after hours. She was always wearing long sleeves during the Southern summers. We worked closely together for about three weeks and on her last day I asked her why she dressed so warmly when it was regularly over 100 degrees outside. She confided in me she was a cutter and showed me her arms, which had numerous fresh slices where she cut herself with razor blades and knives as a way to cope with her runaway emotions. She also had scars all up and down her arms. My heart just broke for her. The next day I called her and we went to dinner. I told her about affirmations and asked if she tried them and she said no. We made a list of all the areas of her life she felt she had no control over: her children, her parents, paying bills, saving money, being seen as successful, managing her time, etc. We wrote one positive statement about each area and practiced how to say them wholeheartedly.

    She had been cutting herself for years and was being treated by a psychiatrist who specialized in this behavior (which is more common than most people might imagine). She promised to commit to it for at least 2 weeks without failure. She has since moved to another state and I still talk to her about twice yearly. She has never cut herself since that day and she recites her affirmations without failure.

    Her psychiatrist was delighted to learn a few months later than she had stopped and commented on how successful her therapy was. She then told her psychiatrist that it wasn't the therapy and explained what she was doing. Almost a year later I was invited to a function hosted by the young woman's employer. She walked me over to meet her doctor that was also there because the doctor's husband worked in the same industry and was invited to the party. The doctor pulled me aside and told me that she regularly had her patients, despite their affliction, using daily affirmations and those who complied had significant improvement and some had managed to completely turn their illnesses around. (Yet another example of how a medical professional has not been trained to use or is unaquainted with an inexpensive, "natural" way to resolve an illness.)

    Affirmations are very powerful if you do them regularly and correctly. The statements should only include positive language (not - I happily restrict my diet to those foods that make me feel better), should be said twice daily, and said with positive emotion while visualizing a positive scenario. I suspect they would not only help you with your feelings regarding your illness and how others perceive it, but could have a positive effect on the illness itself.

    My very best to you and I wish you well with your IBS.

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Ooo very inspiring. Affirmations have made a huge difference in my life. I don't know what one I could do for my health issues though. You seem to be very good at coming up with them. Perhaps it may have something to do with your life purpose?

    It's going to take a bit for your post to sink in, I truly appreciate it.

  • I don't mean to step out of line here but what I heard from your initial post is that you and your guy have very little common ground. I always looked back on any dud relationships I had and asked myself, why didn't my friends tell me what they saw? I wasted so much time trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear (English saying)

    Move on, there's a better guy out there for you and you won't find him while you're hanging on to this one.

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Freepam, The answer to that is a "maybe" from my perspective. I am very indecisive (maybe because I'm a Libra). I'm also young and I guess I need to make mistakes for myself. I think I'll wait it out. Thanks for your advice.

  • Raw CurlsRaw Curls Raw Newbie

    I truly believe that whatever taste you have in the beginning of a relationship will reflect what is to come if you continue it.

    So if you go into a relationship and receive kindness, support and love that is what you will get in the future. If you go into a relationship and feel rejection, selfishness and no compassion or support that is what you will receive in the future.

    I do believe that people can change but they will change for themselves, not for other people.

    All the best to you!

  • Seriously!? He cares more about how other people bond than how you physically feel? That is wrong. Honestly...he's being selfish. Plain and simple. I would love to sugar coat it and give you some well reasoned suggestions on how to diplomatically deal with the situation, but I'm a crusty old guy who's been married for 10 years and if I (god forbid) found myself single again I would not put up with this lack of support.

    If I ever found out that my boys (once they are old enough to date) treated anyone they cared about that way...I'd sit them down and have a very long and fairly uncomfortable conversation with them. I'd make sure that they understood that when a loved one needs some support you offer it. Period.

    Don't give him the power to decide if he approves of your dietary needs. You should eat (or not eat) what you need to in order to feel ok. He can bond with you over the conversation you have over a meal and not the specific food items.

  • Hi there, from the sound of your emotional responses to some foods - I would suggest you have a complete stool analysis. You have got a lot of telltale sxs of a yeast or fungal growt

    in regard to relationship stuff...."If he loved me he would..." Is a slipery slope and a tough place to love FROM. Definitely keep high standards and expect respect always

  • Raw CurlsRaw Curls Raw Newbie

    >> I am very indecisive (maybe because I'm a Libra). I'm also young and I guess I need to make mistakes for myself. I think I'll wait it out. Thanks for your advice.

  • Hi, zinfandel-

    I have to say I think TomsMom said it so clearly and well "Your boyfriend is rather infantile. He's still into satisfying himself, with Mommy's food and pornography." Don't you think you deserve better than this? I do!

    Wish you the best as you work this through.

    -osoniye

  • SuasoriaSuasoria Raw Newbie

    Aww, (((hugs))). I hope you're feeling a little better by now.

    There's some really good advice here already, especially from TomsMom. I also come from big ethnic families and I know what he means, while at the same time I acknowledge that food is just a lubricant that makes bonding happen. Still, food traditions are a big part of our cultures, and can be difficult to understand if you're not a member of that culture. (Besides, even most chefs think their mom's cooking was great.)

    What I want to add isn't intended to defend your BF, but his comment "food is how people bond" kind of makes me sad for you both. I understand that to mean he wishes you and he could bond more over food. (And maybe you two could, if he ate more like you, although with your diet being so restricted at present, I understand that's more difficult than it should be.)

    As for healthy affirmations, Louise Hay is kind of the grand dame of this - "I love my body," "I'm grateful for my health," "my body lovingly responds with vibrant energy," etc.

  • WinonaWinona Raw Newbie

    How is your boyfriend these days zinfandel?

  • CarnapCarnap Raw Newbie

    Hi based on the porn dump him fast. Dump him fast and never look back. I don't even need to read the rest.

  • CarnapCarnap Raw Newbie

    Get rid of him. I watch zero TV like you, and just having a significant other watch ten minutes of Prison Break made me freak out., If I ever get married, it will be with a man who watches no TV, and thus no porn.

  • superfood2superfood2 Raw Newbie

    I don't think you should be in a relationship until you love yourself (not saying you don't, but please look at number 2, right here:) and YOU CAN ACCEPT THE OTHER PERSON FOR WHO THEY ARE. You are asking him to change his habits, you don't accept or respect some of them, etc. He deserves better, and maybe you could accept somebody else for who they are. I'm not saying you're a bad person; you're just probably no good for this relationship with your issues with him. He doesn't have the isssue. HE is FINE with WHO HE IS. YOU have a problem with HIM.

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Yea.... I don't know. I'm enjoying it right now. The sex is phenomenal. Out of this world. Like I can see the galaxies. Like I couldn't live without it... ahem. Well it's true. Other than that we are pretty good intellectual matches. I'm pretty happy now. Maybe it's good that we are different? We have very different interests but at the end of the day it means we have more to talk about. I don't know, I just know I'm happy with it now.

    And I'm not trying to change him anymore. (except I draw the line with porn. and eating tons of meat in front of me.)

    I really really appreciate all of your input, people. I'm young and I make lots of mistakes... I guess I'm doing what I think is right...

    Oh yea, and in the long run if we lived together he would have to put the tv in his office.

  • WinonaWinona Raw Newbie

    sometimes these challenges give us a chance to grow, zinfandel. whether or not it works it, its a really good chance for you to understand what you're looking for and what works/what doesn't - that's what i've learned anyway, looking back on a failed 5 year relationship. also - and i'm guilty of this - take your TIME to make decisions, but if it really seems like a relationship isn't for the best, don't be afraid to end it. or if a relationship is working but you need to grow in order to be more patient/understanding/mature, then take the chance to grow!

  • Zin, I wish you nothing but the best. I'm a Libra, too, so I know all about constantly weighing pros and cons, or seeing the bright side when others offer you negativity. I'm glad your later posts sound hopeful.

    The advice I would offer you, based on my own experience, is to take all parts of your life as lessons to learn from, and as opportunities to grow. Concentrate on surrounding yourself with positive people who uplift, nurture, support and appreciate you for ALL that you are. You are not just the superficiality of outer looks, of lifestyle choices and personal preferences. You are a complete and beautiful being, mind, body, soul and spirit. Look for things, people, experiences that will open your world up, not compartmentalize it.

    Best to you! Namaste.

  • CarnapCarnap Raw Newbie

    If he can't tell you why he doesn't watch porn in his own words with convincing arguments, he's not against it. He's only gonna stop for you, and that won't last forever....

  • superfood2superfood2 Raw Newbie

    Eh, never mind, I know some people will make this about porn, but good luck on trying to control what your boyfriend does.....and have fun with the phenomenal sex.

  • leahcelesteleahceleste Raw Newbie

    Being in college is hard, dating is hard, becoming healthy is work. Yeah you are at that time in your life, I was just there 5 years ago.

    My boyfriend in college would have been totally unsupportive of a raw food diet, and there were other issues but I guess that is why we broke up my last year of school. You will learn what is acceptable for you and I dare say that it sounds like there is someone in the stars for you who will support you on your path towards healing.

    Good luck!

  • zinfandelzinfandel Raw Newbie

    Superfood- maybe YOU are controlling what YOUR significant other does. It's rare to point a finger at someone unless one recognizes the offending action within themselves. It's generally good practice to avoid making sweeping generalizations about other people and how they live their life.

    And thanks everybody. It's tough to balance everything in college. I just try and trust my instincts and go with the flow.

    Love you guys for all your support!

  • superfood2superfood2 Raw Newbie

    No, my boyfriend does whatever he wants to, and I love him and accept him, respect him regardless. Check out my comments and anything I've said about him.

    YOU have a problem with porn. That's fine. But your boyfried isn't you, and apparently, he doesn't have a problem with it. I'd just enjoy your time with him and accept that likes it and he is not the same as you, or move on. This isn't an issue with porn; this is an issue of you finding something you don't like about a person and asking them to change it.

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