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Coming Clean

joannabananajoannabanana Raw Newbie

hi guys. i just need to vent here. i'm so stressed out!!

ever since i became vegan, my family has been against me. they are always making comments about my foods and i just can't take it!! when i decided to incorporate more raw foods into my lifestyle, they got even more upset. it's mostly my mother. she is just so close-minded about anything that she doesn't agree with.

when i told her that i also stopped taking my medications because i wanted my body to be drug-free, she freaked out. this morning was just the icing on the cake though. i have also decided to stop using shampoos, deodorants, and lotions that i haven't made myself. she called me disgusting and greasy and compared me to my heroine-addict cousin. it just drives me insane- these were her words-

"joanna, you're turning into marina (cousin). she doesn't wash her hair, bathe, and leaves the house looking like a mess. you are just like her now- not caring about your appearance. it's disgusting. as long as you live in my house, you'll practice personal hygiene."

i flipped out at her when she said that!!! i mean, i know you guys understand that RAW is the best way to live, but telling this to my idiotic mother is impossible. i'm just so sick of having to explain my lifestyle to her. i'm practicing better hygiene than she is by NOT using any of these products.

have any of you had experiences like this?? where nobody will except you for who you are and your choices??

Comments

  • I'm sorry to say that I have not experienced this. My mom does rant at me whether I'm living with her or not...but usually she has a point. I'm not sleeping enough or whatnot.

    I know nothing about about you or your situation, so I do have to ask if there is any truth to what she is saying? Not that I think you are a druggie crack-whore who smells dank....but are you "messy" looking. Not that I am condemning looking like a mess... I myself can't take care of my appearance anymore because I'm just too tired. I hope you are not taking this wrongly...but perhaps if you are going through some transitions...and you are in a bit of a funk where you don't brush your hair as much or paint your nails anymore or whatever, she associates that with your troubled cousin.

    Or you could be going about your business just the same....I don't know. :)

    As far as advice.....it's hard to say. Is your mom someone who can be sat down and talked with.....it sounds like no so much. Perhaps if you were to practice what she considers personal hygiene still......but with more natural alternatives you could come back with "I am still taking care of my hygiene....I'm just doing it with natural soap/shampoo/deodorant instead." then maybe name your product. That way you're not just throwing all personal care out the window....as she apparently thinks....your just using different products. She seems to think that you not using products is very alien and perhaps if she sees you still lathering yourself up and anointing your head and slathering your armpits with some substance she will feel more comfortable with these adjustments.

  • joannabananajoannabanana Raw Newbie

    hey tunacupcakes!! i still look presentable!! haha that's why i don't get what my mother means sometimes. i've stopped wearing makeup and painting my nails all the time, too, so that has something to do with it.

    i'm just trying to be comfortable in my own skin, without any frills. i've never been happy with myself, and now that i am, i don't want to put poisins in my body or on it. i just feel better and more confident when i'm not all dressed up and trying to impress somebody, you know???

    i just wish she would except me for me and not what she wants me to be.

    and i know you're just trying to help so i don't take anything you said in a bad way. i think she is associating me with my cousin but it's a different kind of hygiene situation. i'm not neglecting myself in any way. i feel like i'm taking care of myself more.

  • emtpdmomemtpdmom Raw Newbie

    Joannabanana, I've found it best to simply keep a low profile with family. Of course, I don't actually live with any of them any more. But some of them would be shocked that I no longer use deodorant, etc. When I visit, from anything they see, I would appear to use all the conventions of personal hygiene. I shower, "wash" my hair, brush my teeth, etc. and come out of the bath smelling fresh. I use a bit of Bronners (usually lavender) to wash my hands. That provides a fragrance they associate with clean.

    I don't want to suggest that you blatantly "trick" your family, but could you avoid the subject by appearing to conform? Or maybe publicly change only ONE personal care product at a time instead of going 100% all at one time. Give them time to get used to your new lifestyle gradually.

    My family is aware of my preference for raw. Since I'm the senior member of the family, they don't give me much grief about that one . . . and they love some of the food. But I've been a bit more cautious with announcing my personal care produce changes. I went organic and vegan a couple of years ago. They've adjusted. Now I'm working s l o w l y on the remainder.

    Good luck. Remember that this community is here for support.

  • Hi Joannabanana,

    My Mom never understood me either. She used to drive me insane with her off the wall comments. Now she's gone and I would give anything to hear her sweet voice again. emtpdmom has some great suggestions. Sometimes our personal decisions and choices are better left private. Moms want to know they've done a good job of raising their children...usually that means conforming to their every ideal...or at least giving the appearance that we are. ;)

  • TomsMomTomsMom Raw Newbie

    Well, what can I say? Sometimes parents can be idiots:-)

    While I think some of your mom's comments are personally nasty, part of her outrage could be that she is freaked out by your cousin. It's not a good reason for her turning on you and speaking to you as if you were a dog, but it might help you to focus and stay calm.

    Also, moms tend to get a bit weird at any sign of what they percieve as baby-rebellion.

    It's really not important that she know exactly, precisely what you use to wash with, so I would just keep my personal hygiene product information to myself. You might want to plant some bottles around the bathroom and empty them a bit every so often. It's up to you. I'm not telling you to lie, but I am suggesting you be "iffy" on the truth, haha. I mean, if someone is going to act like a baby, then treat them like a baby. This is why there are cheapo products like Suave around: to fool people.

    It's not as if you're not bathing at all. I know some people who don't clean themselves in any way, and honey, that is dirty. You're not doing that. You're a clean girl, and a safe one.

    By the way, years ago, I stopped using make-up on my face(in the 1980s, no less), and I was accused of being mentally ill. It became worse when I stopped dying my hair a couple of years ago. I always brushed and arranged my hair, but the fact that I didn't straighten it, dye it, or put it in rollers with hair spray was proof of my mental illness. I didn't even bother trying to justify myself to them. I was so disgusted by their perverted and sexist view on women, I just decided they weren't worth my time. I'm incredibly arrogant in this way.

    I was raised being told that women who didn't shave their legs were "unclean". You can imagine that didn't stick, either:-D

  • joannabananajoannabanana Raw Newbie

    thanks for your thoughts guys!!!

    today wasn't as bad as the last few days because i think my mom has come to terms with it. she knows that i'm not going to change and she'll just have to deal with me. i'm not the type of person to hide what i'm doing, but at the same time, i'm just not gonna bring it up in front of her anymore. it's not worth the pointless arguments!!

    one thing i did notice a few minutes ago was an accumulation of white fuzz-like hair on my hairbrush? i don't share my hairbrush and nobody in the house has white hair. is this the build-up that has been in my hair?? i haven't shampooed for 3 days so i figure that might be what it is.

    any ideas?

  • waterbaby12347waterbaby12347 Raw Newbie

    Yes, please check out the hair forum that Queenfluff started a long time ago...

    Here is the link, thanks to emtpdmom, http://www.goneraw.com/node/11413

  • Lol on the leg shaving! My mom's hygiene motto was, "Just make sure you're clean 'down there'. lol, she's funny.

    I use to work at a generic/name-brand sports supplement store in the 90's and my boss was a nice guy....who didn't believe in deodorant. I could understand why he didn't like antiperspirant but no deodorant? It was horrible. He'd go to the gym BEFORE he came to work and the WHOLE store would smell like BO. He was such a nice guy but his belief was "that stuff is un-natural; a man is SUPPOSE to smell." (?!@*$%-my reaction though not out loud...he was my boss after all). It was so bad, and at the risk of sounding shallow, I was afraid when anyone walked into the store, they'd think it was me. It was THAT STRONG. He'd be in the way-back storage room and as soon as you opened the doors to the store.....BAM! Instant BO.

    Anyway, to each his own. Personal hygiene is important and I understand everyone's personal beliefs. But, when it's that bad...geesh. lol.

  • my mom was close to the same way until i took her to a raw restaurant and got her a book a professor wrote on how raw foods reversed her cancer. haha now she's been raw for four days! so that could work.

  • schmoopeeschmoopee Raw Newbie

    Mom's and daughter's like to push buttons. From my experience, the best way to change the situation and your relationship with your mother is to change the way you react.

    Read between the lines. When your mom gives you a hard time about the way you look/smell tell her it's kind of her to worry about you and that maybe she can help you find some organic, chemical free products that you feel more comfortable using. Go online together and look, go to the health food store and look with her.

    If she gives you a hard time about not eating enough protein, sincerely thank her for being concerned about your nutrition, assure her that you are being careful that you've done careful research. Calmly ask her if she'd like to review your reading material with you.

    It's hard to get beyond the nasty words, but if you find the love and fear beneath what she's saying you can shift the tone of your relationship.

  • Just like you don't tell an obese person that they are fat you do not have to shove your unconventional lifestyle into your Mom's face. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is what you seem to be doing. Just let the benefits of RAW speak for themselves and just be a shining example of what good things happen on RAW. Just remember as the Bible says: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). Being confrontational only makes things worse. Try to think of what you might have thought of your way of life long before you knew anything about it.

  • shawnieshawnie Raw Newbie

    I agree with most of the comments. It's exciting when you learn something new and want to share it with other people. I did the same thing with the no shampoo and soap thing, but people just gave me strange looks haha. Now that you know how your mother is reacting to your change in lifestyle, I would just keep it to myself from now on. She doesn't need to know your not using certain things. Your hair might look greasy for the first few weeks, but the ph level will balance out, don't worry.

    Are you dry brushing? If your mother asks you about keeping clean you could mention that to her, and say that you are keeping other parts of your body clean; hands, underarms, down there... I get white fuzz on my brush too, but I'm pretty sure it's just temporary. I haven't been using anything except water for my hair, and I find when don't brush my hair more than once a day there is usually an accumulation of dust (white fuzz) - but for some people that dust can be dandruff or detox, so do some research.

    My parents were also worried, but after a few months during a family dinner my aunt was knocking my eating habits and my father actually stuck up for me!

  • joannabananajoannabanana Raw Newbie

    rawfeak4fr, i 'm not shoving my RAW lifestyle in her face. it's more like she's shoving her non-RAW lifestyle into mine. i have come to realize that it is just her worrying about me though. it's hard living in a house where nobody is even vegetarian or interested in health in general.

    i mean, since we live with each other, it's hard to hide my habits anyways. she reads my blog all the time, and i talk about my life a lot on that.

    we did go shopping together yesterday at this natural foods store that i've been wanting to go to. the grocery store near us doesn't really have raw/vegan foods besides the produce and a small natural foods section. it was really fun to show her all the stuff i like and she helped me pick things out that she thought looked good. she let me get whatever i wanted because she said she's worried that i'm not eating enough and because i stopped getting my period again (this happened when i had an eating disorder).

    dovesinna, that BO story is hilarious!!! i love how your boss purposefully didn't wear it because he said men should smell. that must've been a stinky job. thankfully, i've never been a sweaty/stinky person so no worries on that one.

  • Joannabanaba, I hesitated to use the word shove because of its negative sound t, but I still maintain that doing things as unobstrusively as possible there will be less conflict. I only know this from experience. When I first went RAW (almost overnight) I preached RAW with religious zeal with disastrous results. My 17-year old son said that RAW was tearing our family apart (ouch!!) and was husband was actually talking about divorce!!!! Since then, I've learned to just go about my RAWness as quietly as possible. I too am a no-pooer, -soap, -lotion, -deodorant type but I know it would freak my family out if I advertised.

    I know it is hard to contain your enthusiasm and I'm sure you sometimes feel like you are going to burst--you just want everyone to 'get it'. I guess that is why this forum it so valuable. At least you can freely vent as well as you get the feeling you are not alone. Very good for our mental health which can easily be neglected since it seems sometimes like RAW food is all we need to do to be healthy. Thanks for listening to my ramblings--you're not the only one who needs to get things off their chest.

  • I stopped shaving and wearing deodorant over a year ago. My mom was scandalized when she realized I was not shaving (thanks to a sleeveless shirt), but never realized that I didn't wear deodorant until a particularly sticky summer day. That's because when I visit family, I shower twice a day.

    I am lucky enough to live in a large house that smells overwhelmingly of pot, patouli, and BO, so I never notice my own smell until I am in the frigid wastelands of my family's modern bacteria-free zone. Modern people live in such sterile environments that they've forgotten what a human SMELLS like; so they equate person-smell with bad. We're heat-emitting animals, so along with whatever is currently rotting on our skin and in the multiple bacteria colonies along our outsides, we produce a scent. It's totally normal and natural; but now in a world bereft of other "natural" smells it comes out strong. I can imagine that a little human BO in a primitive society is hardly noticeable when mixed with campfire smell, animal hides, human waste, and other natural processes. My solution? Laugh about how much better I smell than almost all humans in history up to date thanks to showers, and wear shirts with sleeves when visiting family.

  • derrycklderryckl Raw Superstar

    I have noticed that since being raw, I do not need deodorants. Mind you, my days are minus 25 degrees C before the wind bites, so this might not be the same in the 40 degree summers.

    Sometimes, I just use a pinch of baking soda - or some lemon.

  • I recall, from science class way back when, that BO is a result of the sweat interacting with BACTERIA on the the skin, NOT the sweat itself. So, logistically speaking, if an individual kept the sweaty places CLEAN, wouldn't that cut down on BO? If my past-bossman HAD showered after going the gym and BEFORE he came to work, perhaps it would have been tolerable..

    **shrugs** Everyone's entitled to live their own lives. It's when it encroaches on the general comfort levels of others that irks me. I can all sides to the beginning post on this topic but when it's taken to the degree of totally disrupting the love and positive energy of one's family (on BOTH sides) that it gets a little loopy...lol.

    Eat raw, sweat, bathe, repeat....lol

    Oh, and derryckl, baking soda is SO versatile isn't it? I use it for everything because it's so safe.

  • shawnieshawnie Raw Newbie

    joannabanana, losing your period is not a good thing. This means your body is lacking something (usually fat) and uses its energy to perform other basic functions. You should really look including more healthy fats into your diet, from avocados and nuts or seeds (they also make your skin glow!). These fats help your brain function too, and don't add an inch to your waistline.

  • SuasoriaSuasoria Raw Newbie

    My question is, how long before you can move out? : D

  • yes. a clean break. then you can create your own space!!! if moving out is a few years away -- there's always meditation :L) btw, have fun with it. i'm a firm believe that the universe gives us everything we need at exactly the right moment. you have a great head on your shoulders.

  • CarnapCarnap Raw Newbie

    My sister thinks I'm literally crazy. She wanted me to go to a shrink for my religious choices and my dietary 'obssessions'. My mom understands the whole concept, but thinks it's exaggerated.

    If your family is giving you trouble, don't talk too much about it. Just show them indirectly how much energy and goodness raw is giving you. They will notice a change and if they comment just say, 'I choose a healthy lifestyle'.

  • rawcanadianrawcanadian Raw Newbie

    Hey , at first people at work thought I was a FRUIT CAKE for eating so much fruit.

    Now a lot of them are packing half their lunch boxes full of fruit.

    Sometimes we discuss diets on our breaks, but I try not to start the conversations.

    I almost always let somebody else start it, and they do happen frequently and we keep it fun and laugh!!!!

    ;-)

  • joannabananajoannabanana Raw Newbie

    i won't be moving out for a few years (i'm commuting to college).

    i just haven't been bringing anything up the past few days. i mean, yeah, my hair looks gross, but i told my mom that it's just detoxifying itself. i've been wearing spongecurlers in my hair at night because it doesn't look dirty when it's curly.

    i put coconut oil on the ends of my hair and that made them really sick!!! haha they were very oily and sticky all day. i won't be doing that again.

    the past week, i've been upping my fat intake a lot. do any of you feel like you just can't keep weight on?? it's so weird because i never used to be like this on my normal diet. ever since i've been 95% raw, i can eat anything raw and it doesn't stick... even my copious amount of medjool dates!!! haha

  • rawcanadianrawcanadian Raw Newbie

    I've just ordered the book 80 10 10 Diet. I can't wait to read it , and one of the things Dr. Graham discovered in his study was that Raw Foodists were eating too much fat.

    So if you up your cals , you should probably try to do it more uniformly, and not just with fat.

    Maybe drink an extra green smoothie with some fruit in.

    Good luck!!!

  • banana- I'm coming into the conversation kinda late, but I totally understand where you're coming from. My mother is totally Italian, and she brought me up on what is considered by her family to be a healthy diet- plenty of fruit, veggies, noodles, cheese, and cookies. So she's been really upset about my food habits. Every time I go over, she tells me how unhealthy I look (I look fine, apart from job/thyroid/allergy related stress) and shouldn't I eat some REAL, NORMAL food, like noodles? It's always hard to visit because I find that I can't say no to her like I do to most people. It's getting better though. After almost a year, she's finally coming around- we went on a day trip this week and she packed me fruit salad because she knew we were going out to eat! So, maybe your family will come around. Just stick to your guns and maintain your personal space as much as possible. Good luck :) Emily

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