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My assiduous darkness...

edited December 2010 in Health & Beauty

This post is about Bulimia, so if you’re easily triggered, please protect yourself by not taking the time to read it.

Over the past few months of watching this site and whatnot, I’ve seen many topics posted about bulimia and various ed. I don’t have the strength right now to actually read them, I just need to rant:

I don’t understand why I’m bulimic. Why do I get these urges? Am I missing something? Is there an emptiness I’m trying to fill with food? Other than my sanity, what is missing? Something from my soul? An empty heart? WHAT?!?

For the past two hours I’ve been binging. Yes, I just binged and my heart is pounding out of my chest…I’m going through the phase of the cycle where I’m high from the binge yet SO afraid if I go to sleep I won’t wake up…ever. Fearful, regretful, sick, and bloated.

I HATE this disease, so why is it when a binge comes along I can’t say NO? Why is this habit so satisfying, yet so painful and emotionally destroying?

I don’t know why I’ve been cursed with this! I tried fasting on liquids for the past two days, I didn’t set a limit to when I could eat solids again, but I didn’t plan on it being tonight. (the binge didn’t start until I was getting ready for bed) I know fasts aren’t always the best answer for people like me, but I feel SO much better when my stomach has minimal CRAP in it. The less I eat the better I feel, so why is it I lose control after one bite of solids? It doesn’t matter if it’s fatty, sweet, starchy, whatever… (and yes when I’m not starving myself on a fast I try to balance my meals or eat only foods that combine well together)

You know, I just try to do what is best for my body, and no matter what method I approach, weather I’m thinking about it or not, I slip. I once went ONE year ED-free. That was the best time of my life. Now, I’m a binge-a-holic and I’m so utterly disgraced by me. I think I’m fat and I swear each time I BnP I lose thousands of precious brain cells and gain fat cells.

I’m sorry if this is annoying or if it doesn’t make sense, I just feel like I’m buried in a cave of my own self destructive demons and I really need help. I’ve practiced EFT, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, self love, 80% raw, 100% raw, 200% raw, geeeeee, now what? Where do I go from here? I have no answers. I feel so helpless—which is degrading to me for the simple reason that I’m physically strong, independent, and I hate help (except when I actually ask).

Comments

  • AND I have been vegan for a number of years and raw for a couple but the past few months I have been craving eggs, tuna, salmon, and worst of all a sub-style sandwich. I haven’t cheated on my veganism since the day I “converted,” but is my body telling me something? I mean I don’t have a desire to eat animals, YES fish is an animal to me.

  • I read ED and was waiting for the erectile dysfunction talk!

    Hi, dianthus, I’m a guy but I can definitely relate. I will binge and binge and not know why. I won’t feel good when I’m doing it, but I will still do it. Often I will binge and think while I am doing it “why am I punishing myself like this?” and then keep doing it anyway.

    One thing that it helpful for me is to identify things/situations (“triggers”) that I associate with bingeing. One thing is car rides, long or short. I eat a lot of crap when I drive. Sometimes, I’ll make sure I have some gum or something healthier to snack on, I usually go with grapes or cherries or something that I can have a lot of and not have it affect me too much in a bad way. Another situation where I tend to binge is when I’m home, alone and bored. I think that because I almost feel used to bingeing, that when I am alone and don’t know what else to do, I tend toward bingeing; not because I like it, but because it is one thing that I can do, and know without a doubt what the outcome will be-I will feel like shit. Still, I am a creature of habit and will often do that with which I am familiar. I can depend on binge eating like almost nothing else—it always yields dependable, consistent results.

    One HUGE thing for me, and it may sound stupid, but I will not binge on what I do not buy. I never have shit in my house that is the kind of stuff I binge on, I have to go on a special trip to the store for it. Sometime I will find myself driving to the store to buy junk food and I won’t even realize it until I am there—like I will become conscious of what I am doing only when I have already, in my mind, committed to it. It sucks, I know.

    Now, things that are good for me, too! Especially eating good food. A friend of mine who has both personal and professional experience with this sort of thing avoids flour and simple sugars. I think that there are unbalancing foods for everyone, and with me, I am best when I eat only things that are balancing for me. I eat mostly very simple things, a bunch of fruit and salads and that’s about it, hardly any nuts or seeds none of the fancy stuff anymore. Reading “Conscious Eating” was a helpful thing, I don’t know if you are familiar with it, but one of its main philosophies is that everyone has different foods that are good for them what works for one will not necessarily work for another.

    There seem to be a lot of people on here who have experience with eating problems and I hope that you can learn from them and us from you. I know that when I binge I am out of control and it is a helpless, shitty feeling. None of us should have to feel like that. I would be remiss if I did not recommend seeing if there are any 12 step programs around you for overeating. I know people who do that and I think it is a good thing for them. 12 step programs can be amazing and life changing.

    Thanks for sharing your story with us and I am sure you will find some helpful information here.

    Please stick around and keep snooping in the threads!

    Love,

    Ben

  • Oh thank you Benny so much for sharing!

    lol, I figured others may look at ED and figure the same thing, so I changed it…

    I have the same problem with car rides and being home alone.

    And like you said, you’ll find yourself driving, not even realizing what your about to do, until it’s “too late”, me too. I feel like it’s a mental black-out and my hungry subconscious takes over my body, blinding me from reality. I buy binge food with no expectation other than to eat it all in one sitting, whether it’s a 30 minute span or a five hour span. It just depends how much I buy. At times I don’t become conscious of what I’m doing until I’m halfway finished purging—when it becomes painful and things are churning in my stomach and not coming back up as they should. I usually get horrific pains on my left side and my head feels as if it’s going to snap off my neck and roll right onto the floor, yet this still isn’t enough to stop me.

    What I don’t understand is I’m really health-conscious as to what I’ll actually eat, whether I’m binging or not. I won’t purchase or eat anything that isn’t whole or vegan. So, if I’m able to at least control that much, why doesn’t the addiction able to be controlled?

    I know what to do to not binge…get out of the house, go to the gym, ride my bike, be around people…yet when an urge comes on it’s like everything inside me dies and a different me takes over my body and says what I do and what I don’t do. I know I may sound insane, but I think it helps to just say everything I feel, no matter how off or nutty I may come sound.

    I’m glad things are going well for you! I love hearing stories of people actually overcoming an ED and becoming happy. Simple eating was an approach I had done in the past and it kept me binge-free for almost a year. Then it all snapped and now simple eating doesn’t help. I can nibble on a broccoli crown or a handful of grapes and I’m triggered. Like I said before, I feel so much better when I don’t eat, but that’s not an option.

    A 12 step program would be great, I’ll need to look into that. I have looked into going to the rehab centers for eating disorders, but the junk they make people eat has kept me from actually going, not to mention they seem a little pricey.

    Healthy wishes.

  • Hey guys,

    So sorry you’re going through this. I cant pretend to have particularly useful advice, but I have got something I can recommend. You mentioned you have tried various hypnotherapy type things but I have recently learnt about inner talk, they’re a selection of CD’s which give your brain subconcious positive affermations, all you do is listen everyday for 30 days and it kinda ‘re-programs’ your thinking. My BF got one ‘Confidence’ to do a best mans speech, and I’ve been using it. Its really made a difference for me at work.

    I’ve looked and they do these 2;

    http://www.innertalk.co.uk/acatalog/Eating_Diso…

    http://www.innertalk.co.uk/acatalog/Impulse_Con…

    Which, I dont know, but might help. There are loads and loads in their series though, have a look through on the website.

    I first heard about them in Shazzie’s book ‘Detox your World’

    I hope this helps, With love

  • I somatimes have bad cravings and sometimes I go and get some of that bad stuff. So what! I just turn new page, pray for forgiveness of God and strength to deal with my problem. Past is dust. Every day is a new day, every hour is a new hour and I know I am not perfect yet, but I am on my way to it. If I will try to beat myself up for any of that nobody will become happier. No child will learn to walk without falling a lot. So I am an eternal child…

  • Hi dianthus, Oh I’m sorry for your despair and confusion; FOOD IS A DRUG! It changes our chemistry no matter if it is broccoli or chocolate. I understand that you “know” all the good info and habits and that “being” these things is so different from understanding them. Our logic and reason tells us the good choices and then… uh-oh, our “being” is making another move right before our eyes! I don’t think have and ED except that I know I eat sometimes when I’m bored or procrastinating or stressed. And some days I fight to control that and I usually run 9 miles to work off when I have overeaten my daily calories….and I don’t wanna haveta run that much so often! Here is a trick I have to suggest but I am not claiming that it is foolproof but many times I feel great and balanced and don’t obsess over food these days that I start this way:

    I start the day with a quart of fresh green veg juice with lemon and ginger as the flavoring (not carrot or beet sugars- personally)

    Then when I am hungry for my first meal I make it fat + sweet: like: avocado mashed with banana and gojis or: spoonfuls of Artisana coconut BUTTER (not “oil”) with a raw berry jam that I make or: chia seed porridge with yacon syrup and superfood powder and chopped apple

    Making this first meal fat + sweet heads off my cravings later and makes me feel “pampered” like I am indulging in a luxury and it makes me feel satiated for quite a while and I think it might balance my hormones like insulin or something good.

    Then mid-day Ill have a really earthy tea like Yerba Mate or Breakstone and a little stevia. Or Yogi Mayan spice tea and this feels like pampering too.

    Then Ill make a no-fat green smoothie with spinach and leftover tea and superfood powder/hemp powder and maca and ginger root and stevia and cinnamon and fresh aloe leaf and more water cause I like these thin not thick.

    Then Ill have a small snack after a run in the evening like flax crackers with salsa or a really simple leafy salad or cultured veggies or celery with unpast miso dressing.

    When I stick to this, ie; when friends don’t throw my day off track buy going to lunch or whatever, this is when I do great for the day and dont end up stuffing in 900 calories at 8pm.

    If I still need something sweet or feel like eating when I KNOW im not hungry one of my favorite tricks is a spoonful of Unpasteurized miso by South River Miso. It is sweet and salty and dead ends my craving OFTEN!

    We all have addictions, that I think is just part of being human. Some people smoke, some over exorcise, some talk on the phone, some sit in front of computer all day, some lecture about raw food ALL DAY, and some over eat. None of us are better or worse than the other, just different. If you are feeling bad about yourself for your addiction that is probably fueling the fire; I know cause I can berate myself too. There is a vicious cycle, eat>feel bad>eat more or eat>fast/deprive>overeat. Wether you believe this or not maybe try to change your perception of yourself regarding this addiction. Tell yourself that you are not “bad”, you are OK, just like everyone else. Acceptance is the way out, then we dont feel like we are “wrong” or “damaged” or “unfixable” or whatever words you might call yourself. If it (the addiction)becomes “ok” then it becomes less overloarding and more controllable and less of a focus and more an equal balanced part of you like all the other great things about you and great things that you do. It is not all that you are and if we can give it less relevence then it may shrink and shrink and shrink until it is in balance in context to the rest of your life. Any of the make sense? A Taoist say I LOVE (but may not repeat verbatim): Go up when the waves go up Go down when the waves go down Fight it, and you will drown

    The more we “fight” what is the more we get sunk. Relax and float with it. Accept yourself and these daily experiences.

    I know it is cliche by now but REALLY the book that helped me most is “THE POWER OF NOW”. It is cliche because it is true for so many people.

    God bless you sweetie! YOU ARE OK! Breath deep and close your eyes and tell yourself that over and over.

    Mish

  • Please read my two posts under Kedamono’s post, “Long Rant: Raw Foods, Bulimia, Stress”. I know exactly what you’re saying and what you’re going through. I was stuck in that same hell for 13+ years. I am now almost 5 months from my last binge and purge. I could go on and on and on with stories and/or words of wisdom, but at the risk of really freaking people out or boring them to tears, I’ll save it for a more private conversation with you, if you wish. I’ve created an e-mail address just for correspondences like these. If you’d like to talk, e-mail me at jweiser68@gmail.com.

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