This post is about Bulimia, so if you’re easily triggered, please protect yourself by not taking the time to read it.
Over the past few months of watching this site and whatnot, I’ve seen many topics posted about bulimia and various ed. I don’t have the strength right now to actually read them, I just need to rant:
I don’t understand why I’m bulimic. Why do I get these urges? Am I missing something? Is there an emptiness I’m trying to fill with food? Other than my sanity, what is missing? Something from my soul? An empty heart? WHAT?!?
For the past two hours I’ve been binging. Yes, I just binged and my heart is pounding out of my chest…I’m going through the phase of the cycle where I’m high from the binge yet SO afraid if I go to sleep I won’t wake up…ever. Fearful, regretful, sick, and bloated.
I HATE this disease, so why is it when a binge comes along I can’t say NO? Why is this habit so satisfying, yet so painful and emotionally destroying?
I don’t know why I’ve been cursed with this! I tried fasting on liquids for the past two days, I didn’t set a limit to when I could eat solids again, but I didn’t plan on it being tonight. (the binge didn’t start until I was getting ready for bed) I know fasts aren’t always the best answer for people like me, but I feel SO much better when my stomach has minimal CRAP in it. The less I eat the better I feel, so why is it I lose control after one bite of solids? It doesn’t matter if it’s fatty, sweet, starchy, whatever… (and yes when I’m not starving myself on a fast I try to balance my meals or eat only foods that combine well together)
You know, I just try to do what is best for my body, and no matter what method I approach, weather I’m thinking about it or not, I slip. I once went ONE year ED-free. That was the best time of my life. Now, I’m a binge-a-holic and I’m so utterly disgraced by me. I think I’m fat and I swear each time I BnP I lose thousands of precious brain cells and gain fat cells.
I’m sorry if this is annoying or if it doesn’t make sense, I just feel like I’m buried in a cave of my own self destructive demons and I really need help. I’ve practiced EFT, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, self love, 80% raw, 100% raw, 200% raw, geeeeee, now what? Where do I go from here? I have no answers. I feel so helpless—which is degrading to me for the simple reason that I’m physically strong, independent, and I hate help (except when I actually ask).