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Login Here Signup Here Signup using FacebookHey everyone,
I need some serious help. I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the line, I seem to have developed a neurosis with eating, even with RAW food. I’ve been 100% raw for four months now and I am terrified of food, and everytime that I eat, even when it tastes wonderful and is raw, I am guilt-stricken, regretful and frozen with paranoia about the weight I am gaining. To have anything in my stomach at ALL feels absolutely unbearable to my psyche, so I’ve been yoyo fasting, but can’t seem to maintain the fast and then end up eating raw food again, making my stomach full.
I just cannot seem to stop this cycle of behavior. Last year in July I went straight from SAD into juice/water fasting, for about six months or so with some SAD meals in between long fasts. My best fast and the one I always think about was when I did 10 days water only, as well as some six and seven day water fasts after that.
Anyway, eventually I couldn’t fast anymore, so I went full throttle into 100% raw and I’ve been doing that ever since, but I keep feeling the reflex to fast, because I am SO FREAKING PARANOID about gaining weight. I just want to keep on losing more and more weight and eating and sensory pleasure has become an enemy for me, even with RAW food. I LOVE RAW food, but I can’t seem to do RAW more then a week before I end up trying to fast again, fitfully, off and on for a week or more.
When I am raw and not trying to fast, I frantically work out to keep the calories and fat off of my body, but it never seems to be enough. I end up injuring myself from too much exercise and burning myself out, then when I go a day without exercise, the fasting reflex is triggered agian and I’m in the struggle and battle against eating again.
I am very depressed and out of balance as a result of not being able to maintain any type of consistancy with eating. I’ve always struggled with body image and with self-injurous behavior, but lately it seems like everything has really taken a turn for the worst. Eating anything (even raw) is making me feel like death. All I want to do is fast, but I don’t seem to be able to, and I’m beating myself up over it because I do not want to gain any weight.
I’m just not sure what to do. I can’t see a professional about this; I am going through a lot of shit at home; a divorce and I just lost my job today. I’m just really unsure about food right now. It’s not enough for me to be healthy; I get focused on losing weight and being a certain size. Also I do love raw food; I believe it’s the best food you can possibly give yourself, but I don’t trust it, I just feel that most of it is full of toxins anyway and pesticides and I don’t feel good about eating food that I am so suspicious of; even organic, when I can afford it, I tend to be wary of, although I do feel better eating organic.
I just don’t know what to do, but I do know that I am tired of struggling. I feel like I don’t need to eat and I can’t feel happy eating food, but I always break a fast too. It’s just a horrible situation right now…
Does anyone know what is going on with me? :-( I’m not sure what to do or how to help myself.
I feel so out of control. I posted this already on another raw board, but I wanted to post it here too since I spend more time here and this is something that’s really kicking my butt and creating a lot of unhappyness for me.
Comments
What is it that’s making you feel like you don’t deserve to live and be happy? Remember that other people’s opinions and actions aren’t who you are. Green juices can be helpful if you don’t feel like eating – throw in some spirulina for extra nutrients. You can nourish yourself at the nutritional, spiritual and emotional levels for a start to good health and positive self-image/love. You can do it! :)
seek professional help. there are likely free programs available in your community. this sounds like an eating disorder, and shouldn’t be taken lightly or dealt with online.
Oh, yeah – Why is it you say you can’t see a professional for this?
Yeah, I guess I didn’t know if you didn’t see it as a serious problem – eating disorder. I have done a lot of research on eating disorders, and what you are describing needs professional help/intervention. Sorry if I stepped out of my bounds here – I am in no way equipped to help in the way you need.
Okay, I hear you guys – I wasn’t sure I wanted to say “I have an eating disorder,” even though I know that’s what it sounds like. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me and I am just feeling a little freaked. I guess I could look around. I’m in Massachusetts.
Yeah, there is nothing wrong with getting help with something you don’t know how to change/handle.
By the way, I remember not wanting to admit that I was in a bad situation, even though I knew it sounded that way when I talked to someone about it. Best thing I ever did was to get professional help – even though it was scary/hard to admit something was really wrong. I feel you.
Hi Moth. I definitely agree that you need professional help. You are not alone. I am sending you virtual ((((((hugs))))))
Are you eating things in the proper combination? I noticed when I drink juice and smoothies all day.. then i eat a nice raw meal for dinner (I am 100%) I feel so much more capable of digesting the meal. I’ve notice that when I bloat.. I feel fat. but, when i wake up in the morning I feel great! Also, exercise helps. I jog in place on my rebounder every day (while watching tv in the winter) and this really improves my outlook regarding food. No diet is a substitute for daily exercise. rebounding helps me digest. Your body knows what it wants to weigh. the weight you may be gaining is muscle and bone mass. Be thankful. weight is healthy! Eat to nourish your body.
Moth,
What you are describing is anorexia and it’s a dangerous disease. Please get professional help. This is not something to fool around with.
Imagine how wonderful you will feel when your thought about food is how good it tastes. And the only time you think about it is when you are eating it. Life is bigger and more fun. Please get help. You don’t have to go through this.
Blessings…Greenie
I just want to add that many people have these core issues with food. Most of us develop our relationships with food from our mothers, since they are usually the ones who feed us when we are young. Best of luck on your healing path! :)