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"Toxic" people

queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

I guess this is partially a rant but has anyone notice how more “toxic” people seem to have become?

Not toxic in the sense that they actually have toxins (which they do too probably) in them but they are just down-right mean and nasty and untrusting – they seem “toxic”. Everything out of them is negative and wary.

Even some rawies I have met – you would hope would be happy and more trusting people – but they aren’t. They are nice on the surface but something seems to be lingering on the inside – waiting to find a way to blame you for their problems you dont’ have anything to do with.

It has gotten to the point where my bf and I can only run our little raw business for friends we know – anyone we don’t know very well seems to be very untrusting (these are people who are apparently raw too!) So, we basically have no more raw business because of the untrusting types. They pose too much of a risk for us.

I wonder if it is just that these people have more than physical sicknesses? Or do they just like to redirect their other problems onto anyone else involved in their life? or is that there are really no nice trust-worthy people left on the planet?

Is it just me or I am the only nice, honest,trusting person left?


  • beanybeeganbeanybeegan Raw Newbie

    I have just read that those raised with negative and violent cartoons on computer and T.V, now as adults, only trust themselves. Basically speaking they are highly fearful people.

    When I walk down a store isle, smiling and lightly humming a tune. Many under senior age give me a frown, but most seniors will smile back. Sometimes even chat awhile.

  • lzhptlzhpt Raw Newbie

    That must be a tough business. Maybe we are so used to controlling every aspect of our food preparation that we want to control how you make it for us as well. I enjoy anything raw that any raw chef prepares-everything I’ve had is utterly amazing. I hear you on the toxic people, though! One of the best things about being raw is my ability to let other people’s crap slide right off me. In fact, I almost always know when I’ve had something cooked because i end up getting all worked up about other people’s crap. With a husband in mid-life and three teens, there is so much angst around here. I just float around on my little sunflower! Rejoice in the nectar, queenfluff. :)

  • wow Izhpt…I have felt the exact same way and its great to hear someone else say the same thing. Everything slides off me now. And it DOES have something to do with the food. I am just as productive in life, but less overly obsessive about things. Problems are no big deal to me. I don’t even go into huge rants about things any more – it’s like it’s helped me find inner piece. I am so happy with the raw life that I won’t let other things disappoint me. Every next day is a chance to improve if something isn’t going quite right…kind of like how I improve daily on my healthy eating and perfecting the way I eat. I have had plenty of opportunities to get pissed off or worked up, but it doesn’t happen. I haven’t greatly increased my activity level since going raw, I have only meditated 2 times – I lead a very busy and “stressful” life (or at least it was stressful) – it is the FOOD that has made this difference. Seeing how you “float around” raising three teens reminds me of how I’m doing.

  • Greetings,

    Yes, toxic people exist. Yes, we can spot them easier when we start treating our bodies respectfully. Yes, they’re somehow easier to deal with because our outlook changes everyday as we transform on our raw journey.

    However, I’ve also learned that we can also attract situations as if we were magnets because there’s something inside of us we haven’t yet dealt with 110% on an emotional/psychological/spiritual level. Again, this is an observation from experience, I’m not implying anything about anyone here.

    Ma’salaama (with peace), K.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    lzhpt and thecavsman – that is really interesting guys because it is sort of the opposite for me. I am not 100% raw though but honestly I am more sensitive mow than before. I used to be able to shrug things off as like “that is person is crazy” or “that person has a problem” but it is hard to do that now. Don’t know why – maybe because I am seeing more things now in life that before didn’t seem “off” or “wrong” to me. Like scams, unfairness to people and how negative people are. I guess I didn’t notice any of these things before maybe? not sure.

    I guess it isn’t that I get “pissed off” (well I still do sometimes) but it just makes me really sad. Hmm, maybe I am still doing some detoxing.

    lzhpt – yeah, anything where you have provide a service or sell something that has to do with something people eat or use on their bodies is tough because there is too much paranoia around. It almost isn’t worth it anymore to try to get into that sort of business. Sad but true.

    beany – that is interesting. I think I read that somewhere too. I will have to keep that in mind when I come across people like that again.

    Maybe I am a little more sensitive than the average person but it really bothers me when someone could even think that I would something purposely to harm them. I try not to let it bother me but it does. I guess because all my life I have been told I am a dependable, trustworthy, loyal person so it when someone thinks otherwise it bugs me.

    Any advice on how to let these things not get to me? (a book to read perhaps)

    thanks for the comments so far – you guys made me feel better! (today was a bad day for me!:()

  • Everyone has their own demons to fight, some internalize, some externalize. There is psychology behind behavior. Most of the people labeled “toxic” are externalizers, their inner demons want to take those around them down… misery loves company. The key is not to judge as judging is a form of toxic behavior. Chose wise – the company you keep. We can’t control toxic people but we can control what we will and will not allow in our lives. It’s all about setting boundaries. Say prayers for those in need, those taken under by toxins (inner demons) and keep fighting your own fight to live a balanced, healthy and happy life. We all deserve this, some may not feel they deserve it. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have pasts, we all have inner turmoil. Rise above. Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to process those feelings however you may need to do this – getting in touch with your artistic self is a wonderful form of healing. Do you have creative outlets you can go to when you feel burden by negative energy? (art, dance/movement, meditation, yoga, music, sacred space, earth spots, alters, etc.)??? Healing hugs for your fragile soul and pink tutu twirls! Johnny

    Ps I just left you a comment on your Kola drink recipe – We are neighbors! I’m in Redwood City : ) BEAUTIFUL WEATHER to center yourself in dear : )

  • lzhptlzhpt Raw Newbie

    I like this topic. I forgot to mention I think there is this progression. After about a year raw, I saw my family in a whole new light. I remember sitting in the car with my sisters thinking, “These girls are nuts!” It’s along story about getting to the airport on time. I had finally figured it out that all i needed to do was make my flight an hour later than the first sister. Poor thing would miss her flight for sure, but I’d be on my plane without the now famous sprinting while screaming through the airport. There was peace for me on that ride. So I guess you figure it out (clarity) and then you realize you don’t have to get sucked into the dysfunction anymore. You work out ways to avoid disaster on trips. So for the person who can never call for the reservation—just take care of it yourself before you go. For the one who is always late you just have to tweak the start time for major events. Bickering? Get your own hotel room and sleep like a baby. It definitely takes some insight, but I’ve had the best vacations with family this year by making my own fun. Now toxic co-workers? The hardest are those that want to take your energy for themselves. I’ve had many a lesson in boundaries this year.No advice, queenfluff. It will evolve. If you know a particular client brings on these feelings, try staying as raw as you can for a few days before the encounter and see what happens. A little experiment…

  • littlegemslittlegems Raw Newbie

    I hear you on the ‘toxic’ energy that seems to be everywhere. I’ve noticed that the economy being what it is, people are super stressed out. Especially where you live, I used to live in San Jose and I know that the majority of people commute a lot and work in stressful jobs. The cost of gas makes people really tense. I know don’t if that is why you are noticing it more lately or not. just my observation.

    I have always been of the mindset that the only thing we can control is ourselves, not others. So if someone upsets me, I just think, “wow, what an unhappy person”. I refuse to take on other’s negative energy; I love life too much.

    If you are noticing a difference in your ability to filter out the negative, I’d try to address that part of it. I mean, you can’t really do anything about the other people’s negativity, but you can try to figure out why you’re having a harder time dealing with it than you used to.

    By the way, I’m just up north a bit from you, and I’d love to sample your raw food someday. :)

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    Thanks everyone for all the helpful hints!

    Littlegems – yes, I think part of it has to do with this area (which hopefully we are getting out of soon – I could be possible we might move to Hawaii!) – people are stressed out here. It is weird though – they seem nice and friendly (say Hello to you etc) but when it comes to “business” or anything money related – they flip out. It is so strange. Not sure what to make of it. I am from the midwest and we just moved here in Feb and haven’t had luck around here job wise – so yes, that has been stress factor for me. Perhaps I am noticing it more because of the “downwardness” of everything in this area – employment going down, prices going up – puts everyone on edge.

    I think it might be also due to because we had high hopes moving here and many plans and ideas have not panned out too.

    Where are you up North? If we don’t move to Hawaii, we will be going up to the SF North Bay area – around Santa Rosa.

    lzhpt – Thanks! You are so wise! Yeah, I am that person who is always ready and on time etc and dealing with those who aren’t – I do try to schedule around to avoid those sort of situations but not always possible. Yes, it is defintely an evolution. For me, it is best to stay away from these people if I can so hopefully that will be possible for from now on.

    RawDance – Thanks! Very good advice! Yes, I try to do this – stay away from those toxic people. I have had a few lately I thought were NOT toxic and then turned on me. It is like “wolf in sleeps clothing”.

    My bf and I just moved to this area back in Feb and yes, we have met some very nice people who I want to keep around us but also some nasties. Here is something funny (and this is just an observation): I am from the Midwest (Chicago) as is my bf (Milwaukee) and almost 90% of the people we have made good friends with here are originally from the Midwest. It just happened this way (I am not picking out the Midwesterners!).

    I am not sure where the “toxic” people I have met are from (obviously not getting to know them very well) but it is odd how so many of the “kindred spirits” (a favorite saying from Anne of Green Gables) are from somewhere near where I was from! I love California and the weather and we have met a few natives that are great but most of the “close” friends we are making are from the Midwest. Honestly, I am sort of happy about that. Not that I really miss the Midwest but it is weird how I ‘mesh’ with those people. Maybe it is some sort of subconscious attraction?

    I don’t really have a sacred space I guess – in the bed with my cats away from people? Ha ha! That might be it. That is my safe space – of course coming on GoneRaw and talking with my raw-net friends always helps! :)

  • omshantiomshanti Raw Newbie

    queen fluff, sorry about your biz,I had the same experience down here, Granolas came toa screeching halt due to county restrictions after they turned down my kitchen…the kitchen i was renting itself could continue to opperate as a packageing/ mail order thingy but i couldnt sell my food made there at farmers markets….govornment! anyhow the whole thing was convaluted. Im still trying to get in ot markets but otherwise with my yoga place closed up(major client) i have no clients. to bad too i have some great new stuff!

    i met some major nastys at raw food meetups, people are people whether they practice yoga, religion, eat raw food, ect ect….Its hard to pick wisely!;)

  • That sounds like a great safe place! I love my bed as well. It’s comforting. I’ve got my cherry blossom bedding (sometimes hello kitty when I switch), howie my baby blanket, velveteen rabbit and my moneky “KOMBUCHA” on there at all times… plus my heating blanket, those are wonderful and so warm! I live near edgewood park – great for hiking/etc and bogus water temple – beautiful to go lay in the green grass and relax, meditate, etc. Have you ever been to either of those places?

    The farmers market has become a sacred space for me as well. I go every Sunday to the Palo Alto one and it’s so healing for me. I stocked up big time yesterday. I love seasonal food changes!

  • lzhptlzhpt Raw Newbie

    I was thinking about this today and it ocurred to me that not only does the clarity of raw food help with recognizing the toxic in people. It also helps you to recognize what a family member or a co-worker might need. As an example-my relationship with Mom. Once I started taking good care of her, instead of getting frustrated that she wasn’t taking care of my needs, we went to another whole plain of satisfaction. I love when she visits now. I take her to symphony-something she and I both LOVE and she can no longer treat herself to, we go to the Art Museum. I dragged her to Tai Chi one day and she hasn’t stopped going. I realized Mom is never going to treat herself to a new experience. I think it’s that depression era. They feel somehow they don’t deserve it. Hmmm. Maybe I should try that with my husband. That one’s not so easy for me.

  • littlegemslittlegems Raw Newbie

    queenfluff – I hope you find somewhere that feels more like home. Have you tried the Santa Cruz crowd? I’m sure you’d find some more laid back raw foodies over on that side of the hill. :)

    I live in the suburbs of Oakland, so not as far north as Santa Rosa. My whole extended family network is here, and I grew up here, so it is familiar. There are so many places I’d like to live, but for my daughter’s sake especially, we are staying near family. The economy is tight all over, but especially in smaller towns without a lot of jobs.

    I wish you luck on your venture, and hope you can find a what you’re looking for.

  • DreaDrea Raw Master

    There is no such thing as ranting on here, this is a forum, the whole point is endless conversation!

    Yes, I have encountered very negative and toxic people as you have. I try my best to just hold the positive things about them in my thoughts and others who are actually positive and happy in my mind and what I appreciate about people (although sometimes it is hard) and the universe seems to correspond to the nature of my thoughts by bringing me more of the people and attributes in them I love.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    Thanks all again for the wonderful support and thoughts! Today is a much better day than yesterday!

    Yes, I had an encounter with one of the “toxic” people yesterday. I don’t know why it bothered me so much but it did. (it was one of those “wolf is sheeps clothing” raw people – so I guess that is why it was more disappointing than dealing with a toxic SAD person).

    Omshanti – Oh no! I thought your business was going good. I am so sorry. Yes, it is definately a bummer. The food business is not where it is at right now, unfortuately. My bf and I decided to stop doing the events because it wasn’t worth it money wise and it is difficult to predict whether people will come or not. A friend of ours who was sort of helping us just sort of bowed out of the picture which didn’t help matters. Too bad too because we were planning on having a party with Mircle Fruit. The berry is expensive and hard to get too and was hard to plan around that.

    But we still plan to make food for close friends and close clients. It won’t pay many bills of course but I still like doing it. At least with close friends we don’t have to worry about being sued by “toxic” people.:) I might sell dehydrated items I make at home around here. But yeah, we don’t have a kitchen either so it would have to be amongst friends – I couldn’t do it online safely. Although, doing a dehydrating business is still in the plans for the future (my bf has the new type of dehydrator proprosal – just need an investor) – so dehydratation is always in the plan for the future.

    Actually, the best friends we have made here were all from raw meetups and a few from our events. Yes, there were some toxics there too but I notice those people come and never come back. It is sort of funny having “labels” for these people. I guess in order to avoid and choose wisely, you sort of have to in a way – at least, in your own mind to keep things in check. I also have come across some very sneaky non-toxic raw people who steal ideas – but that is another story. It is sort of different sort of toxicity – on the untrusting side. I am avoiding those people too which is sad because I think amongst us rawies there should be a more of a united front and not a sneakiness.

    RawDance – Yeah, for me it is my good safe place. Snuggled up in my beautiful organic cotton quilt, comforter and sheets and my kitties come around and hang out near me and purrr. My kitty Woog comes around and lets me tickle and torture her and cheers me up. :) Actually my bf and I are into forageing, we live near Steven Creek Trail and go foraging there sometimes – not the perfect “nature getaway” but you can spot some nice birds (I used to be a bird keeper at the zoo) so that is sort of like a sacred place in a way too. Anywhere there are animals actually. We have a nice pool in our apartment and I go and sunbathe under the palm tree there and pretend I am in a tropical paradise with no toxic people. :)

    We live near the Mountain View Farmers Market. Believe or not, we encountered one of the most toxic people I have ever met there! Some guy tried to beat us up because we got into a parking spot before him – it was crazy! Long story but there were other parking spots. It was unbelievable. Otherwise, I do like the farmers market. I haven’t been to Palo Alto one yet but my bf went one morning with friend and said it was great! We don’t have a car so can’t always get to it but I want to go soon! Maybe I’ll see you there sometime! :) I am looking forward to the champagne and concord grapes that are coming out now. I bought a big container the other day! I love those – can’t get those in the Midwest! :)

    Lzhpt – This is true. That is why I was wondering if that is why I am so sensitive to it. I feel it right away. I can sense it – the toxicity I mean. I can’t even get started on my relationship with my parents – yeah, it is toxic I guess. I almost have to keep it at a distance. No matter what I do with them (and I try to make it a nice relationship believe me) they disapprove of whatever I do. Of course, I am miles away from them now and almost 39 so what I do is my business but it is still hard to get the resistance on their side. My parents are sort of like your mother too. They are both retired now but I honestly think all they do is sit around and watch TV now (I try hard not to fall into that trap and I grew up where we all had our own TV in our family so we were very separated)- they don’t like to spend money or really enjoy anything. They did go on alot of vacations at once time but they won’t leave the US or move out of their neighborhood. I am opposite – I like to go places and get away from where i grew up. Yes, parents are a hard one!

    littlegems – Thanks! Yes, actually I love Santa Cruz. We were supposed to be living there when we first moved out here but the apartment fell through and end up here by emergency mostly (we got here and had no place to move into and needed a place that was available right away and would take three cats and this was it – it is a really nice place don’t get me wrong but the area is wrong for us).

    The problem with Santa Cruz is we don’t have a car so getting around is difficult (I mean, outside Santa Cruz) and the jobs are pretty scarce there too. We have a friend who wants to get a place in the North Bay and we may do that with him and I see lower rents in some of those areas too. Plus,a need for raw meal service! We will actually figure it out in a few weeks what is going to happen – it may end being Hawaii if things go right – if not we are going to go to the North Bay. We did look around there right before we moved out here and I like it up there. We have some raw friends up that way too. :) Are you close to Berkeley? I really like it there – so many great restaurants!

    dreasraw – Thanks! Yes, I am trying very hard to do just that. I normally do that for the most part but you know that sometimes you get a really bad one and for some reason it just reall hits you wrong! Who knows why? But I hope that one day I can let it ALL just roll off of me. I think it is a new process for me – getting away from old thoughts, filtering those toxic people out of my life, etc.

  • littlegemslittlegems Raw Newbie

    yes, I’m in the suburbs of Berkeley! I love Berkeley, and if I didn’t have a child that is where I’d be living probably. I think you’d love it there, they have Farmer’s Markets a couple of times/week. I think you’d find a great client base, and the people there are like the Santa Cruz folks, but not trapped by a mountain and the ocean… so better public transportation, and better economy.

    It sounds like you have a lot of issues up in the air, and that can be stressful. Perhaps that is another reason you are so sensitive to other’s being ‘toxic’ towards you, since you are a bit unsettled.

    I find that once I have a home base, I can settle in and feel more secure.

  • I use to live in Mountain View off Grant Road! I have 2 raw foodist friends in Mountain View, near 101…They both have good energy.

    Grapes have come to Palo Altos! It’s not far, only a short CalTrain ride away. I get the most amazing avocados and sprouts there.

    ALIVE! also has a stand if you want some good grub. You can get fresh coconuts for drinking too. They are my favorite.

    I go to Mountain View atleast once a week for a Christian 12 step addiction recovery group. If you’d ever like to meet up, let me know : ) I am out of school and dance as I focus on my recovery right now. Recovery first, everything else second.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    RawDance – Sorry I lost track of this topic!

    Wow! that is where we are. Very close to Grant Road, right off El Camino! :)

    I definatley want to go the Palo Alto Farmers Market. It is on Sunday right? Actually, we might have a car next Sunday so I’ll try to go then. What time do you usually go? I keep on the look out for ya! (I’ll bring you a raw bagel and cream cheese if I have some left!)

    I did hear from a friend about Alive – I did try their cacao coconut balls and didn’t care for them. But I’ll have to try some of the other stuff.

    Hmm, I wonder if we have the same friends? (we go to the potlucks here so we know several rawies around here). :)

  • I haven’t read this entire post but wanted to contribute my thoughts anyway.

    I struggle every day with toxic people (mostly at work). Every day is a new beginning in my mind. I try to begin every day by meditating on other people’s suffering. I believe that no-one is toxic by choice and that they are just trying to cope with their own pain in the best way they know how. If I can offer compassion and tolerance to these people who are clearly struggling so much, then perhaps I am making a tiny bit of a difference.

    That’s not to say that I am successful every day :) I just try to set my intention there and do my best.

    Peace, Karuna

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