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chicory
Raw Newbie
okay, don’t know if anyone else is like this, but I find that as I get older, I become more and more the hermit! Not sure what happened, but after college several years ago, most of my close friends moved to california, or became lost in drugs, or just stopped bothering with me when they found out I was sick. Then i moved out of state (followed significant other on a job quest) I do have two really great women friends, they are both 30 years older than I, but deep inside I just feel like a little old lady anyway. we only get together occasionally for lunch though. I am not a social butterfly, can be quite shy, but get along with everyone I meet. my only social outlet with my “peers”is at work, so why can’t I just branch out a bit and get out and do something with other people more than once a month? I’ll be moving back to my hometown in the next few months, where I will likely be running into people I used to go to school with, etc, so that will hopefully help~ it’s not like i am really lonely or anything, maybe once in a while, but I do really enjoy quiet times more and more… just afraid of becoming the crazy old cat lady that has no one? Why is it so difficult to connect once we get older? If anyone has ideas on how to become more social I will take any advice you have :).
Comments
Oh, Chicory, I’m the same way :) I’ve been trying to be brave and make more connections, but it is harder as an adult. Or at least it seems that way.
Honestly, I often have this feeling that maybe people don’t like me. And then that keeps me from trying to make friends. Probably, they think I don’t like them because I keep a distance!
Like you, I don’t necessarily feel super lonely. Only sometimes—especially when I see a movie or something with women who have a super close friendship- and I’ll think “I wish I had that kind of friendship in my life…”
Well, one thing is for sure, Chicory, and that’s that you have a super loving and graceful presence on this forum. I like to read your posts and I’m sure that many others do too—and in that way, you have lots of friends :)
p.s. Hey, I just checked out your site. Your artwork is amazing! I love Rackham’s Reverie- it’s so magical. I am a big believer in fairies as well—they are a big part of the early childhood Waldorf education :)
I like to do art too- mostly I paint, but I also like to do drawings and collage.
I’m glad I looked at your website. I’ve been ignoring a painting that I’m working on but I’m feeling a little inspired now :)
I agree.
My husband and I are pretty much homebodies. I do find it is harder to find others to connect with. But part of me starts to wonder if a lot of this has to do with the way society is set up today. It seems to me, that years ago, people were closer and watched out for each other more. Today’s materialistic values seem to put more and more distance between people. Part of it could be people are also to caught up in the rat race.
Another reason it seems to be harder to make connections with others…is perception. For me, some people’s perceptions of the world and what is important in life, is so off. (Meaning who has the next best etc..) It is hard to find kindred spirits into today’s world. We are so spread apart from each other. Others who just enjoy the simple things.
I probably didn’t need to say all that…but I just wanted to say… Yes, I can relate.
Jellibi – Would you be willing to share more information about the Waldorf education. I currently am homeschooling my dd. But for the last year and half, I have had an interest in seeing a Waldorf School start in my area. Would like to know if you had any pointers on how I could go about this??
Chicory – In the meantime, know you are not alone. I think Jellibi said it all when she wrote “I like to read your posts and I’m sure that many others do too—and in that way, you have lots of friends.” It says it all!
I think that mindset, re-evaluating our culture and/or rejecting cultural values, is a way of thinking that may lead you into raw food. It seems so many raw foodists share that. Also, we can see that the rise in technology is taking us closer to the brink of disaster even as we see it improving our lives.
For the most part, I am disgusted with mainstream everything. I just want the things in my life to be simple, healthy, sincere or creative. I could care less about all that other crap.
chicory-
I hear you. This is actually a pretty common thing. For some reason, it is hard to make new friends once you get older. I think they even did studies on it. Anyhow, I read about it somewhere else.
For me, I had a lot more friends in my twenties now I only have a hand full – mostly because of things like marriage and kids. Many of my closest friends got married and than started having kids and I never saw them again. Esp when you are the single person out – I think they feel awkward being around single people. I don’t know why – You are the same friend like you were before. It just happens. People try to prevent it but it just happens. At least it did to me. My once best friend phased me out because I didn’t fit into her new life anymore – marriage kids – and I was single.
Yes, I am definately more of the hermit too – I honestly got sick of the whole club/bar scene in my early 30s even though I love to dance. There is just too much drama to deal with at those places anymore for me to even bother with them. It used to bother me that I became more of a hermit but it doesn’t really anymore. I mean, do I have something to prove to others that I have to go out? No, so I stay home and relax with my three best fur friends. They always appreciate having me around and that never changes.
Also, I have always been on the shy side and now I have lost half of my hearing in the last few years so that kind of makes one become more withdrawn because social situations become very awkward. I am always analzying when we are going to go somewhere whether or not I want to go and whether or not I will be able to talk to people because of my hearing.
Although, my bf and I just moved to Cali last Feb and we have made new friends – how? By going to raw potlucks in the area and going to events. Honestly though, my bf is the social one not me, I probably wouldn’t even go to most of these things by myself. I guess some people are more naturally withdrawn than others and I am OK with that. I never liked big parties and I am not a mingler.
One thing I miss though is not have a close girlfriend to talk about things with anymore, to hang out and go shopping with (not that I go shop anymore but to have someone to do girl things with). I lost that and I wonder if I will ever have another close girlfriend again.
What is wrong with being a crazy cat lady? :) I wouldn’t mind it. My cats are the only things in my life that have never let me down or deserted me – they are always my friends. Maybe that is why single old women have cats – they are reliable companions. I get along better with animals than people anyhow.
How many cats do you have? I have the minimum crazy old cat lady amount – 3! (not sure if that is the real limit on being a crazy cat lady but my friend told me that crazy cat ladies have more than 2 :) )
Also, there is saying too that says something like you are never alone because you are with yourself.
Yeah, I dont think it’s strange at all to feel like a hermit. I am like that also and I used to believe that it’s because I’m introverted but it’s really about having a connection with certain people you meet. If I dont feel like I have anything in common with you, I just dont bother. I truly only have 2 female friends I enjoy connecting with and I’ve known them since the 4th grade! I’m 33 now and I look for “quality” friends and not the “quantity” And quite frankly it does get harder to find them as you age and I m fine with the 2 I ve got. Or could it be that it’s the artistic people that has a certain personality trait that make us who we are? I’m also an artist. I have a degree in fine art and restoration and my trade now is decorative painting. I’ve noticed a couple of creative people here too, maybe we just have better things to do than do small talk with people.
I used to live in NYC and have moved to FL with my very social BF. and I cant find anyone interesting here. I basically live in “God ’s waiting room” LOL!!!
I am finding the ‘Hermit’ phases I go through really beautiful!! At first I thought there was something wrong with me, then I realised that I was going through huge transformations and that being alone, or with older ‘wiser’ folk was where I felt safe and sound. Lately I have been coming straight home from work and getting under the covers with a bowl of soup (raw of course, haha!) and listening to music or researching raw magic! It just feels like what I need right now. My social life is with myself!! Before that I was having people over for dinner 3 nights a week, going out and singing kareoke and dancing the night away… I am proud to be a new generation granny!!!
Meeting other raw fooders in your area might be good. I’m also pretty much ‘living in the house’. I think since being raw too, the city and certain ‘normal’ activities are just not appealing anymore. It can also be a good thing that we’re more content with simple things.
i like being with myself more all the time..i socialize once every week or two now but only because i’ve been dating. otherwise i just call good friends once in awhile..occasionally we get togther..rarely now and i’m just fine with that..love them i feel peaceful and centered by myself
I can’t believe how many traits I have in common with a lot of the people on this forum. I am really beginning to see and feel the simple things and life are the best. I have always had trouble communicating with people in general and my self esteem has suffered because of it.
However as I get older (...and balder :(....) I really don’t care too much for the general public out there. Chicory, I don’t think there is anything wrong with not socialising too much as long as you don’t forget how to interact with people completely. As I have said before my mum and my pet weasel “willis” are my 2 best friends. I always thought even up to a couple of days ago that there was something wrong with me (socially) but I’m really starting to feel like all you guys are my family! (Even though we only met a few days ago)........I just feel so enthusiastic about being part of the forum.
I’m proud to be trying to “GO RAW”.
Simplyraw: I would love to share about Waldorf education. You can email me at jmfinn@pdx.edu
Everyone: You are right! There are benefits to being a hermit. I had forgotten about those :)
I’ve always been a Hermit. According to my parents, it was first noticeable at about 1 and a half. I am slightly more open to occasional socialising now, if it is friends of friends’(This doesn’t mean enjoying it!), and I’m okay with it online because I know I can just leave when I feel overwelmed by vibes or just don’t feel like talking.
I think being alone gives me time to think and relax and overall I am more balanced, aware, and happy.. I noticed I get reallly cranky if I don’t have time to myself once in a while. I have roommates, so It can be hard (someone is always awake lol). I really could live alone in the forest and never ever miss a human.
When I do socialise I tend to like older, calmer, wiser people. I sympathise with my grandmother/father and great grandmother and people within their age groups more. They don’t feel like they have to be yelling or being roudy, over-drinking, or shouting at the opposite gender. They are just them. No trying to impress me. Talking/discussing, listening to the wind together, having tea, and all the lovely things that go with it. Sadly, although my morals and beliefs are more like them in some ways, I also offend them with other things..
I’m too old and too young for my time(secondary reason for my dislike of socialising). And I’ve never conformed to all the basic rules that go with human relations. I always compliment everyone that I find something I like in..suddenly that’s considered flirting.On both genders. ugh. That is one of the more normal things. I’m also weird and when I RARELY decide that It’s okay to touch a person, I want to touch weird places on them and smell them…really genuinely get to know everything about them. This is not only weird, but again, can be taken as some sort of flirtation. I hate feeling like I can only know a minute bit of a person. If I am going to go through the trouble to know them, I want to KNOW them. you know? haha. I hate feeling like everything I could do offends or gives mixed signals, or having people not understand when I do decide I want to be left alone. And frankly, 99.9% of all people I don’t care to know(obviously not meaning anyone here:D ). So why should I suffer in the process? I can tell EXACTLY what a person will be like in personality before I ever talk. The vibe, the body language. I understand it. Face reading to me doesn’t have an exact mapped out “this nose means this…this eye shape is this…” It’s just something deep inside you know when you see the dimensions. Expressions help alot.
umm.,my point?
I’ve worked on a few papers regarding friendship cycles and networks and the answer is really just too long to fully explain here. The short answer is that one’s opportunities to develop friendships change in terms of frequency and quality as you get older. Think about all the things kids do when they’re young. School, church(possibly), sports, clubs, boyscouts, girlscouts, etc., etc. Also, kids don’t have to worry about paying bills, providing and caring for a family, their lives are not extremely stressful so they can put more emphasis on starting and maintaining friendships.
As you get older, your primary role and identification changes. You become an adult and your identification turns to a worker or parent or both. Friends naturally come secondary to your family and job. You still have outlets in which to make friends like work and church and maybe a knitting club or whatever, but these are generally much more shallow friendships compared to those you had as a child. And because of the moves/illnesses/etc. you’ve experienced and have grown separate from your childhood friendships, these will never quite be the same. Its a natural process, but because of what you’ve been through and because of your personality type, it might be a little harder for you than someone else who is more outgoing and who has maintained some of their friendships from early adulthood.
The thing to do would be to try and expand your network, not necessarily the number of friends you have. Your friendship network consists of friends, and friends of friends. Consider these friends of friends potential friends. Get to know them and gradually set a goal to befriend them so that the common link friend will no longer be needed for interaction between you and the new friend (make sense???). Lets call you A, your workfriend B, and B’s friend C. At first, hang out with B and C together Get to know C. Find out what common interests you have, etc. The goal should be to be able to hang out with C even if B isn’t available. Bingo, a new friend.
for me hermiting is associated with my sickness. so i am trying to get out and do more. i always feel better about it after. meeting some more raw people has really helped as a lot of my friends were drinkers and i am not drinking anymore.
it is really important to at least have a few close friends or family. if you are in crisis it is nice to be able to have a support network.