i’ve posted here a while back and everyone was very supportive and kind, so i wanted to get some feedback again. i was completely raw for about a month, and it was the best i’ve ever felt – for the first time in my life i wasn’t tired in the morning, i was happy, i felt centered and grounded and exercise was easy and satisfying. seriously amazing. people were telling me i looked great. and it was the first time i didnt feel a profound hate for my body. i was anorexic in high school/college and had slowly transitioned into being bulimic. that’s why i went raw in the first place, so i would stop binging and purging. and it worked!! i only puked once in the month i was raw. then some stress came up in my life and i just snapped one day. i went from raw and happy to binging and purging 4 to 8 times a day and MISERABLE. i do see a therapist sometimes, and i have some supportive friends, but the only solution i see is going back to 100% raw. most people think i’m being too “extreme” when i say this, though. they all say that it’s that tendency toward extremes that is causing me problems in the first place and that i should do something more moderate.. eating mostly raw but some cooked vegan/vegetarian, etc. what do you think? the past few days have been a bit better but i am pretty freaked out. the health aspects alone are pretty horrible, and i already have had weird heart poundy episodes and dizziness and this and that. i dont have insurance but hopefully i will soon, so i can go to a doctor. sadly, i think people at my job might know what’s going on, and that makes me feel super awkward, since i work a health store.. isn’t that really hypocritical? also.. i am moving into a new house in a week, with housemates i dont know. i NEED to stop binging and purging, because i wont be living alone and i cant have other people seeing/hearing/knowing. yuck. i just hate being miserable and sick! and i hate buying all this horrible corporate unhealthy poisonous food! and that guilt just makes me want to throw it up more. i am SORRY this is so long and personal and ranty, but i dont have a lot of opportunity to discuss the issue. if you made it through all that – bless you and thank you. you guys keep me (marginally) sane.
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om… – you are totally right, i know that the real issue isnt the behavior, it’s what is causing it. i just think i need to be raw so that i have the mental and physical stability to deal with whatever those causes are.. and incidentally, i have been purging only once a day for the past 2 days. and even that makes a difference – it’s so much better than every few hours!!
cherie03 – i am far from offended, i really appreciate your perspective and advice. i agree, raw is the purest and best lifestyle, whether others understand or agree or not. yes, there is a lot of guilt involved. anorexia is sort of a “holy” disease in our society, the emaciated body is so revered by popular culture. but bulimia is so shameful and disgusting. which is absurd, since they’re both unhealthy and painful and need to be healed. i have looked into groups, but they are harder to find than i expected. i am not at all a fan of 12 step programs, so that limits me a lot. i just dont think it sets a good precedent to call myself ‘powerless’. it’s ME that makes my life happen, dammit. and i might make mistakes, but i’m far from powerless. but i am looking into cheaper/free solutions.. i see an intern therapist so my sessions are very affordable! and like your son, i have also found that the cheaper care is sometimes much better. maybe because the providers are doing it to HELP not to PROFIT. anyway.. i think i will start transitioning back to raw. if i give myself a week to ease into it, i can go back to 100% on the 1st of september..
THANK YOU ALL! it means a lot to me to be able to vent all this stuff where i wont be judged, AND where people understand how much raw foods really means.. so much more than a ‘diet’.. it really touched me in a spiritual way as well, and made me feel whole. i need that back. tired of trying to fill a void.
wow. reading these responses almost makes me cry, i have never met such a wise and accepting group of people! raw foods really does make you beautiful on the inside too :) or maybe it just attracts some of the most loving and balanced folks out there.
elm214 – i don’t have a doctor, unfortunately. i have no insurance and i am suuuuper broke. i did get a new job, though. so i’m hopefully gonna get to see a doctor in the next few months. there’s a county hospital i could go to, but only for emergencies, unfortunately. good for you realizing that your first doctor was being an asshole!! i know how it is to constantly blame yourself, even when it’s obviously someone else’s problem.. i’m glad you are taking care of yourself :) and i really will be seeing a dr as soon as i can, just to make sure i am doing ok.
heyenglish – i can soooo relate to your story of cooked foods and guilt, etc.. yay for resisting destructive urges!! that encourages me. it is always so hard not to do it, but when i do succeed, i feel so much better. if only i can hang on to that feeling. thank you for your email address.. i am storing it away and you may hear from me at some point.. i dont have NEARLY enough raw friends! (um.. like.. any)
DagnyTaggart – damn, you are full of good advice and kind words. thank you. you raise a very good point about raw being restrictive and possibly just a substitute for other disordered behavior.. i know this is possible, but i really havent found it to be the case. for the month i was eating raw, i really allowed myself anything i wanted, as long as it was raw – i acknowledged that my body would probably just let me know what it needed. so i went through phases.. eating zillions of avocados.. then randomly craving figs and eating a bunch of them.. etc. it was the first time in my life i’d felt “in tune” with my body and its needs. journaling is a good idea.. i do write after b/p sometimes, but it would probably be constructive to try it FIRST.. maybe that would give me the time to think about it and stop. things are getting better. i’m trying to go slow and be reasonable. allow myself things when i want them (TRULY want them, not an emotional freakout or something).. etc. i wish i could properly express how much i appreciate your input (and everyone’s).. it means the world to me. sometimes it is a very lonely path and i am so so grateful to have a place to let things out and get some perspective and encouragement.
BLESS ALL OF YOU!