Hey anyone that reads this,
I need to emotionally dump... I'm about 5 days into a sugar detox/Candida cleanse per the advice of my holistic (raw) food counselor. I've gone through some physical cleansing effects and I don't know if I can attribute my emotions right now to that or possibly my approaching cycle, but here's my story of why I'm upset. I grew up doing dance from the age 3 to 18. I stopped because I went to a college that didn't have dance and this is also where I discovered alcohol. Before college, I was really content with my body. I had suffered through anorexia, but at this point I had recovered enough to be healthy, happy, and blessed with a hot bod, if I my be a bit arrogant for a moment. By winter break of my first year I had gained the dreaded "Freshman 15," followed by another 5, and then another 10 while I studied abroad in Rome. I've managed to lose my Rome-weight and then even more after 1 month of being raw-- in fact, I was only shy of 10 pounds to reaching my goal weight, when life got in the way. Now, some time later, I've gained a fair amount back, but I've been highly raw since November and I have actually seen a drop in 3 pounds since starting my cleanse last week. Here's the real crux of my feelings though. I'm in this fashion show as a favor to a woman I used to assist back in the day at the dance studio. Today was the fitting and I was surrounded by sized-2 girls drinking lattes, munching on McWhatever breakfast sandwiches... My food counselor said not too long ago that she thinks that my eating disorder evolved into binge-eating while I wasn't paying much attention to myself. She is probably right-- I have done unhealthy binges the past few years. One thing that she hasn't said though is if I will ever get back to not feeling like the "fat model" whenever I volunteer for these shows. Will I ever get that body back that I loved and felt comfortable in, let alone, that mental state of absolute confidence? I know I have more faith in myself than this, but tonight for some reason that feels like a challenge to muster. Raw-internet friends, I am feeling down on my luck tonight... I need your loving encouragement and support. Thank you for taking the time to read this-- you are beautiful.
Much love and peace,