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it was my birthday april 26 i turned 20, i feel so bad because i went out for my birthday with my mom, she didnt do anything for me. i bought my own raw meal at a raw restaurant she didnt sing happy birthday, she did nothing for me, she treated me like it was a regular day. i feel so bad right now ive been crying , i dont know what to do, ive been eating so much fruit, that my stomach is so full, i dont know what to do to take away the bad feeling, i feel like i dont want to be here anymore. she doesnt care about my feelings at all, i bought her a nice perfume set for her birthday and she didnt do anything for me. its like im doing everything for nothing. i have this sick in the stomach feeling, like i dont want to talk to her anymore, when im near her i want to run away. im trying to shove more fruit in my stomach when im so full of it. please help me.


  • i only have the fruit to turn to, i dont have anybody else in my life that loves me. i use fruit as a freind or my own feeling of love. it really isnt working anymore.

  • it was nothing to do with her buying me a gift or anything, the fact is that she didnt even hug me or be there with me talking or sing happy birthday to me made me feel real bad and depressed ,she did like i didnt exist. she did this to me since i turned 17. ever since its been bad birthdays. i feel like i want to move out , so i dont have to keep getting my feelings hurt by her. we hardly have no conversations on anything, so i keep my feelings bottled up and just go for raw foods.

  • any advice please?

  • I am so sorry for you. A mothers love is important. Did anything else happen to your mom around the time you turned 17? Also, she may feel that you are a grown up girl and dont need her any more. Perhaps its time to talk to her about it and see what she is thinking/feeling. Ask her how she feels and really listen. Tell her how you feel about how she treats you but dont accuse her of anything or blame her. She may not understand how she is hurting you. You may also try counseling for you. Stuffing yourself with anything to relive the pain is not a good substitute and it wont help the pain go away. Sometimes when I feel the lowest I sit on the floor and talk to God. He answers usually in a big way. Sort of surprised me the first time but it does work. Be patient. The road of life brings bumps and turns but learn from them and try to avoid the next bump. You will have joy in your life again.

  • Blue_EyesBlue_Eyes Raw Master

    My advice is to sit down with your mom, it may take a few talks actually. It may turn out that insignificant to you. was said or done by you or someone you both know said about you. or could be something not really related to you but has had a deep impact on your mom.

    really listen to her when she does talk, it may be something you think is small or stupid but it means a great deal to her. so when she lets you know be there for her and above all do not down play it.

    what is nothing to one person can be huge for another.

    It could be just a silly misunderstanding that came across not so silly.

    And more importantly you need to deal with the lack of love you have for yourself. If you feel like no one loves you, you need to do a deep close look at you. Find someone to talk to. step back and really look at your life. make some lists of what you like about yourself, what you don't like about yourself. and take a real hard look and see what changes you need to make in your own life.

    Your mom isn't the real problem as far as you are concerned she is just a symptom of the inner you.

    Life is a mirror. A lot of the time it reflects things we don't like. Things we need to deal with internally.

    I hope you create happiness real soon.


  • sweet,

    I can completely relate to your story and the sense of abadonment whether it be physical or psychological or both. It is your mother's responsibility as the parent to continue to parent you even into adulthood. I heard this interview with Jackie Kay who experienced her own issues with adoption; she was discussing the parenting of her adult children and her grandchildren and she always firmly put the onus on the parent to remain in the role of parent. There is a duty as a parent that lasts a lifetime, and it does not end at seventeen or eighteen or fourty. Parental love should not be conditional.

    Don't feel that this is your fault because it isn't. Do everything you can to love yourself, love the situation you are in (despite the tremendous suffering it can bring) and that love will shine through so that others will love you too. I haven't done this, I've briefly looked at it and read parts of it, but some people swear by Byron Katie's "The Work" and "Loving What is". It might provide some solice for now. Here's the link: http://www.thework.com/index.asp

    Take care, Sweet, and I admire your strength in sticking to the raw foods in this time of emotional turmoil. Good for you. :)

  • Sorry Sweet! I can understand though. My Dad will never say Happy Birthday, but I know he loves me. It used to bother me but now I can accept it and let it go. Sometimes they act the way they were treated by their parents.

    If this all happened since you started eating raw, that could be the problem too. I know alot of people don't know how to handle it . Are there any raw groups in your area? That would be a good place to meet people. People who will love you for who you are.

    This might cheer you up...

  • threnodythrenody Raw Newbie

    I'm sorry, sweet; I know how it can feel to be emotionally abandoned into rigid, cold patterns by parents. It is terrible that your mother doesn't give you anything--particularly emotionally. She is insensitive and cold, and it certainly is her fault. It probably would be best if you moved out, and tried to surround yourself with people who do actually care about you.

  • Its funny because when im at work, im so happy I smile ,people smile. I have fun talking with freinds, but when I get home i dont feel so happy. I guess because when I get home I know that my mom wont be there to talk, so I eat my fruit and veggies. Ill try and love myself more and find people who care about me,

    Thankyou everyone who left a comment. Im so glad that there are people who understand what im going through, I really appreciate each persons advice . It gives me comfort to read all of the comments. Thank you so much:)

  • Sweet,

    Why your mom is that way could be so many reasons (or combinations of them). Maybe her parents where not very nurturing (she never learned how to nurture), she could be depressed or have other emotional or mental issues. Sometimes we just don't know why someone is not loving? Anyways, though it might be helpfull to try to talk to her, don't blame yourself. If asking her what's wrong helps, try it. If you get the cold shoulder, or dumped on- chalk it up to her having the problem and definately don't blame yourself. Even IF she tells you that there was something you did that made her mad, remember that a mother really shouldn't react that way. And realize that it's probably the emotional problems she has (or lack of nurturing skills from not being nurtured) talking and not your fault.

    You can't make your mother loving. But, there is something you can do for yourself- seek out emotional support and "motherly figures" to fill that void that your mother either can't, or won't fill. Try your best to be nice to Mom still. But, find support else where. You can be mothered by people who are not your biological mother. Good places to look: church groups (if your into that kind of thing), clubs, volunteer organizations, knitting club- any kind of social type of thing.

    Read books that are nurturing! Watch movies that make you feel warm and fuzzy. What ever works for you.

    Don't let mom stop you from the mothering you need. If she can't fill the need, live in peace with her limitations and get the support from someone that can.

  • Oh, and a late Happy Birthday!

  • sisterbecky thank you so much:) I try to talk to her sometimes she can listen, but doesnt really say anything , and then sometimes she just starts getting mad , thats when i feel bad. She must be going through things.Thank you so much sisterbecky for your help and advice. Do you know of any good books that can help too? Im feeling better

  • I was fortunate that, though my mother is a bit shy and reserved (that's just how she was raised) she was still a "mothering" mother in her own way. So, I don't really have a list of books for your situation that I could recommend. I did come across an interesting article about suggestions for your situation: http://www.cherylrainfield.com/article_mothering-ourselves.html

    Maybe it will give you a start in discovering techniques and helpful books. Maybe someone else with a similar experience has a good book to suggest?

  • Blue_EyesBlue_Eyes Raw Master

    My mother was very distant, after my father died I learned why, She had been threatened as a young bride (arranged marriage) by my father's mother and sister that if she spoiled us and turned us into devils they would take us away.

    She wanted to be an architect, but her father said that was not a profession befitting a woman.

    She was very good at drawing out plans for houses. and she was and excellent grandmother (there were no threats there).

    she also could not deal with the jealousy of watching how her younger sister get everything she wanted and became a nurse, model and what ever else she wanted to try, she died right after their mother. Her brother became a philosophy professor, but wound up a drunk and lost everything due to the stress of family.

    My mother was a very sickly woman she lived to be 73 that is a long time to suffer. She was raised to believe she was nothing and hiding back what she had to give was physically painful for her.

    We did get closer at my dad died. We only had two years but it meant the world to me.

    You must love yourself. No matter what your Mother is going thru. It is you that you need to focus on. You attract what you feel and think about. So until you learn to love you for who you really are How can you expect to attract love and know it when it is there in front of you. You and your mother are reflecting each others pain. So just think about how by changing your life you can actually have an impact on your mother!

    Life is a mirror you only see your own reflection in others. Change your beliefs about yourself and you will change your view of the world an those around you.

  • Thanks blue_eyes for your comment. My father wasnt with me for 15 years, I never got loved by him much either. I remember when I was small He used to always pick me up ,he always sayed he loved me, he bought me many hings ,he was a hard worker.. I only went back to see him after 12 years and he wasnt very nice, so i decided to forget about him, and I never talked to him again after that. Your right though, I need to love myself more, take care of myself more. I dont really do it. I just get up every morning doing the same things. I always think of raw food and what next to buy. I spend alot on organic raw fruit and veggies. I buy 6 containers of raspberries a day at 5 dollars a container. Its like my life is around fruit and veggies, being perfect and to be in shape and good health. I know being perfect wont fix my problems. I work 5 days a week too and i like going to work, its like a place that i have fun. Thank you everyone for your comments and support.

  • this might sound silly but have you guys ever tried hashing it out with a family counselor or some sort of mediator? My mother and I struggled with our relationship many years after she cheated on my father with (and left my father for) my brother's co-worker and roommate. Our issues were different than yours with your mom, but they were so severe for awhile that neither of us thought we'd ever have a relationship with each other again. So we tried the counseling thing, and we only had to do a few sessions to figure out what it was that we were both feeling and why and how to overcome it. My mother has been my best friend again ever since.

    I know what you mean about food being your friend, except, that you need to look at it rationally and realize that the food is serving more as a distraction from your actual conflicts, and it quite possibly could also be serving as something for you to have control over, since you probably feel pretty out-of-control with the situation that you are facing with your mother.

    I've struggled many years with an eating disorder that has taken on many different shapes and forms because of my subconscious need to control things since most of my life, I have felt very out-of-control, especially emotionally. Things have been on the up and up though since I started being honest with myself about it and facing the actual issues rather than masking it with foodstuff.

    I hope this helps xox

  • Thanks tweedle for your comment:) I tried talking with my mom today and gave her a hug. I felt better. I wasnt feeling so good at work today, im thinking its stress. I have this headache and cramps. I dont know if it was all the fruit i ate this morning ,mabey the stress is doing it for me. Im just relaxing right now in my bed. I hope it will pass.

    Does eating too much fruit cause digestive upset or headache?

  • I would imagine if you're over-stuffing yourself that anything, even fruit, could cause that. It also might be the stress. Stress can wreak havoc on our bodies in many different ways...especially our digestive systems. so relaxing is a good idea :)

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