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bulimia rears its ugly head

so the main reason i went raw was to quit binging and purging. i’ve had eating disorders for years, and the bulimia was getting way too intense. i switched to all raw foods a little over a month ago and it worked SO WELL. suddenly i was at peace with food, i was happy, healthier than i’ve ever been. etc. things were great. the last week was very stressful for me – i’m getting kicked out of my apartment in ten days and dont know where i’ll end up, one of my best friends tried to kill himself, i’m in a complicated relationship i think is sort of doomed.. etc. i think it was the stress that started messing with me. suddenly i started obsessing more about my body and weight, hating myself more. the past month i was so much more accepting of myself, and suddenly it was going away. sunday afternoon i was at work and when i went on my lunch break i just snapped – binged and purged at work. this continued all night after work and all yesterday. i’ve stopped today and put myself back on strict raw foods, but i feel like shit and i’m pretty depressed about it. i really thought i had kicked it. i know it’s kind of naive to think you can banish a longstanding bad habit that easily, but i didnt expect it to come back so quickly, without warning, and so intense. i probably spent 200 dollars on food, none of which i digested. :( i guess i just needed to vent. i’m frustrated that i did this. not only was the whole thing disgusting, wasteful, and destructive, but i feel guilty over buying all the corporate crap i ate. ugh. sorry to be a downer today. i’m glad i have this place though – time to make a salad.

Comments

  • kedamono~ It is courageous of you to post what is currently going on. Please contact your therapist now or tomorrow if you have one. If not, please contact your local crisis or counseling center. Please seek professional support during this stressful time. You deserve it.

  • I agree with bluedolphin. Please contact someone. You DO deserve it. And good that you are back on healthy foods. You are a beautiful person Kedamono and are needed. I am happy we have this place, too. :)

  • kedamomo- I’ve been there and it’s part of the addiction to the behavior that makes you feel so guilty. It’s not really about the food as you know and it’s certainly not you making these choices. Do get some help because you’ll learn some valuable tools to help you deal with the addictive behavior and it’s triggers. Namaste.

  • YES YES YES!! Please do; it’s the only thing that was able to help me. I tried many times to do it on my own, but looking back, even though it wasn’t that long ago, I really needed help and support. And you do deserve it! I feel for you! It sounds like you’ve been through some major shit, and I think it’s time you get some help to find your way out of it. I know you can do it!!

  • Keep eating raw and focusing on HEALTH! You are beautiful. Glad to have you around here.

  • I can totallyyyyyyyy relate to what your going through. Although I didnt need outside help to recover, it was extremely difficult and did NOT happen overnight. Just move on from this and learn from it. Whenever Im on the verge of a b/p episode, I try to focus on that useless crappy feeling I get after I purge. If I can do it you can!

  • Yes, focus on how shitty you feel afterwards. That is what helps(ed) me! You’ve got a great support forum here, so refer back to this thread next time it comes up. You always have to remember that food and any other type of physical escape is only a TEMPORARY escape, ya?

  • Yup yup, everybody here has great advice and is ready to give you support when you need it! I still definitely have major feelings of guilt when I feel like I’ve eaten “too much.” But really, it’s better than it was. I think it’ll always be a part of me a little bit, but that’s just my perfectionist nature coming out! You can get thru the worst of it, and as time goes on, things can only get better! It’s up to you to change it, and you DO have control.. just remember that! and good luck to you!! :)

  • I dont think I’ll ever be completely “cured” either. I still get anxious and guilty when Im too full.(even if I ate to much salad…rediculous) but I know ill feel even worse if I do give in and purge, even though at the time, I think it’ll make me feel better. stay strong!

  • ZoeZoe

    It sounds like you are doing really well. Everyone has wobbles when they are healing and changing. I know a woman who has been anorexic/bulimic since the age of 12, she is 60 now. She has never been able to even get close to where you are at in the effort and progress you have made so bravely.

    I hope you have everything and everyone you need, I am certain that you will make it.

  • I just want to add another voice of support. I too have a history of eating disorders, and although I’ve been healthy for a quite some time, I still feel its shadow. I fully agree that getting professional help and support is very important, and you so deserve it! I applaud your courage and honesty in sharing, and as much as internet friends can support each other, we support you!

  • Just felt like adding to the voices of support, even though I don’t have any advice at the moment. I’ve been overcoming my BnP addiction, too. Hang in there.

  • wow. i really appreciate all of you so much. getting home and seeing all these words of encouragement really touched me. sometimes it’s easy to feel very alone, and it is so good to remember that there are always so many people out there who understand. if i could hug you all, i would. i do have a therapist, we’ve only had a few sessions though and i’m not sure i like her. we’ll see. i want to give her more of a chance before i decide. yesterday and today have been all raw and healthy and good, so i’m feeling better. i know some people don’t need such strict rules for themselves, but apparently i do. thank you again! i’m sure i’ll be asking for help and support again as things come up.. and i will be here to help any of you as well! <3>

  • Don’t be so hard on yourself. Live in the present, not the past. We’re all on a journey and we’d hate to see you harm yourself!! Make sure you have lots of fresh fruit and greens with your favorite dressing around.

  • kedamono, if you accept one advice regarding the therapist and therapy itself, try not to project your feelings on her and keep on going, change her only if you really feel the two of you are incompatible. Therapy is often a painful experience and you will often feel resentment but you need to grit your teeth and march on and not use your anger, resentment or pain as an escape route from it. I’m speaking from experience, hang in there, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and eventually you’ll get out to the light and learn how to stay there. If you feel low or feel like binging, try to exercise, make a raw cake, call people, read something that gives you positive reinforcement etc. Raw cake and some music works for me the best LOL

  • I just want to encourage you to keep moving forward to good things. Would it help at all to think of food as a way of nurishing and loving yourself by eating it with gratitude for who you are? This is something I had to work on as I was not taking care of myself but was focused on caring for others. Maybe it would not work but I do hope for you all the best in this hard time.

  • Kedamono,

    I have only recently been diagnosed as a non-purging bulimic which means that I tend to fast for long periods of time or exercise until I’m ready to drop. While I recognize that this behavior is unhealthy, it’s difficult to stop. I will admit that I have not sought counseling yet but probably will as this has been going on all of my life. The piece of information that I wanted to share with you was regarding food consumption and tracking. I log everything that I eat and hate the feeling of seeing something on there that wasn’t what my conscience dictated. Sometimes the thought of having to write everything down and look at it has stopped me from binging. My goal is to make myself accountable and if I ate it then I have to accept it … without the knee-jerk reaction.

    Since I went raw, I have felt at peace with food, healthy and whole without having the urge to binge; however, I realize that with my history then the day will probably come. My plan is to utilize self-talk to remind myself that I eat raw now. If I’m going to binge then it has to be on this playing field and the food has to be raw.

    Sorry for the rambling but I just wanted to share my journey and let you know that you’re not alone. Best of luck … Hugs!!!

  • ananya – thank you for sharing! and serious props for coming to terms with food and your body (well, starting the process!).. i can totally relate. raw REALLY helps me feel better about myself and my life. if you ever want to like.. talk or need support or anything, i’d be totally thrilled. i know i could use some ‘raw buddies’ who understand the ED universe.. my email is kedamono.cesg@gmail.com hugs to you too! :)

  • Hi Sweetie,

    I’m a male with eating disorders, lifelong history of anorexia nervosa and also bulimia and orthorexia. Seen death and back, lived to share my testimony. Docs don’t know how I lived through this but God has kept me alive for a reason. You are still here for many reasons too.

    Raw has helped me in many ways but no diet ia s cure all. EDS are pyschological illnesses that manifest the brain and body.

    Do you have a support system? Nutritional support and changes are only one of the MANY needed in treating eating disorder. I still fight mine everday, including bulimia which is a complete beast at times. Support is crucial.

    I do ed art, activism and education. You can check out my profile for my website link and you tube account – I make ed videos there…it may help you find some support if need be.

    PS I also want to add that relapse is part of recovery. There is no perfect recovery. We all fall, we can chose to get back up or stay in a hellish cycle. The ed will always be an option as long as you allow it to be. There will also always be other ways to cope.

    Hugs and support. Pink TuTu Twirls, Johnny

  • to you kedamono and all those who suffer from eating disorder: i RELATE and i’m blessed enough to be in a 12-step recovery program, which is basically saving my life… OA is now my solution, and it brings so much more than what i could imagine. it’s a spiritual solution, to cure a physical/emotional/spiritual disease. good luck to you all, and remember you are never alone.

  • I know how you feel. I have suffered from both bulimia AND anorexia for for almost two years and have only just recently kicked the habit by going raw and having my mother as my support system. Don’t feel bad about slipping up. Having relapses is normal. I actually had them quite often the first few months. They started getting less and less frequent as I became more health educated, dealt with the emotional connection, and like the others said, reminded myself how sick I would feel after purging when I felt I had eaten to much. Just hang in their kedamono!

  • I’m just reading everything every one here has to say and all I can see, regardless the problems you all have, is that you all are beatiful people with the biggest heart I’ve seen in a while. And I’m 100% sure we’re all here for a reason in the mean time just lets love ourself just way we are so we could be able to love others the same way. If God love us just the way we are, then why don’t we. Love you all.

  • It is so hard when we fall isn’t it? It has been 6 months since my last purge and all I can say is everyone is right, recovering is hard…and the work, it’s everyday…when shit happens try to remember what you can do next to get up and go on.

  • No human, no recovery is perfect. We don’t chose to develop eating disorders but we can chose to allow them to slowly kill us or to stand up and fight. My belief is that if you want to live through this then recovery is a lifelong process and commitment.

    Slips happen. Relapses happen. It all can be part of the process. Every step forward is NEVER a step back, remember that my friends.

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