First off, I want to ask that if you respond that you please be kind. I am open to whatever advice you guys might have but I get plenty of criticism already and have no support, so please, just be gentle. I feel a little fragile and totally weird about posting this difficult, personal stuff out here on a website for all to see. Thanks.
So… I have been raw since August. I ate a fairly healthy diet which incorporated a lot of healthy raw foods and superfoods even before really going raw, but was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and exhausted adrenals (among other things) after enduring several years of unimaginable stress, and decided to take charge of my health.
I’d gained 50 pounds (from very thin and technically “underweight” to overweight) in a very short period of time, and have been mired in a deep depression for quite a while. Last year at about this time, I could barely get out of bed. I had no energy, my whole body hurt, and I was completely miserable. Over many months, I made gradual improvements, but I knew something was wrong with me that was causing all these problems, so eventually off to the doctor I went and received my diagnosis.
Well, I lost 20 of those extra pounds in the first 2 months of going raw, and definitely saw an increase in energy. But that’s it. My weight leveled off, and I haven’t seen any real other benefits, which would be fine, except…
I am just not doing very well mentally. My depression is not only not being helped by raw, it’s getting worse and worse. I am in really bad shape, truly I am in misery. I know it is because of my situation: I am trapped in a horrible, soul-sucking relationship, am very isolated and lonely, live in a city and state I despise, and am for all intents and purposes, though I live with someone who takes care of me financially, the single parent of a home schooled teenager and a preschooler. For a while I felt I was going through some emotional detox which was difficult but felt really healthy and productive, but that’s long since stopped and now I just feel like crap.
I know what’s wrong with my life, generally, but am at a loss for how to fix it right now. I don’t have a way to make enough money to support these kids. I haven’t worked in 5 years and even then hopped from job to job and did work (tending bar) that I couldn’t possibly do now, even if I could get hired (which I couldn’t).
I’m approaching 40 and I feel really stuck and hopeless. I feel like I am stuck in someone else’s life and I just can’t figure out how to get out. It’s not a midlife crisis. It’s not. It’s that I am not living the kind of life I want or giving my children the life I think they deserve and I don’t have the power to change it.
So how this relates to raw: All of a sudden, for the past week or so, I am having huge struggles with cooked food cravings. Some of them I have given in to, which makes me feel horribly guilty. I’ve had pizza and beer, buttery popcorn, basmati rice… And just last night I had more than half a bottle of organic red wine. I had been popping kava all day for anxiety but it just wasn’t cutting it. I have a headache today, of course. sigh (And no, I don’t normally drink, the wine last night and beer last week were abberations.)
I don’t know what to do with these cravings… I just want to feel normal, do things that make me feel good. I want to go stuff these bad feelings down with an Indian buffet for lunch today, badly, for instance. I wouldn’t even overeat, I never do – I just want to feel normal and have something that is comforting to me.
I don’t know what to do, I just want to make the way I feel STOP. I slept through the election results last night and I feel like a total ass for that this morning. I can’t believe I was too depressed to watch this amazing, important, historic thing happen.
So what do I do? Try to stay raw even if eating some cooked things might help me feel less awful? Go get on antidepressants? What?
I can’t keep going on like I am.