First off, I want to ask that if you respond that you please be kind. I am open to whatever advice you guys might have but I get plenty of criticism already and have no support, so please, just be gentle. I feel a little fragile and totally weird about posting this difficult, personal stuff out here on a website for all to see. Thanks.
So… I have been raw since August. I ate a fairly healthy diet which incorporated a lot of healthy raw foods and superfoods even before really going raw, but was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and exhausted adrenals (among other things) after enduring several years of unimaginable stress, and decided to take charge of my health.
I’d gained 50 pounds (from very thin and technically “underweight” to overweight) in a very short period of time, and have been mired in a deep depression for quite a while. Last year at about this time, I could barely get out of bed. I had no energy, my whole body hurt, and I was completely miserable. Over many months, I made gradual improvements, but I knew something was wrong with me that was causing all these problems, so eventually off to the doctor I went and received my diagnosis.
Well, I lost 20 of those extra pounds in the first 2 months of going raw, and definitely saw an increase in energy. But that’s it. My weight leveled off, and I haven’t seen any real other benefits, which would be fine, except…
I am just not doing very well mentally. My depression is not only not being helped by raw, it’s getting worse and worse. I am in really bad shape, truly I am in misery. I know it is because of my situation: I am trapped in a horrible, soul-sucking relationship, am very isolated and lonely, live in a city and state I despise, and am for all intents and purposes, though I live with someone who takes care of me financially, the single parent of a home schooled teenager and a preschooler. For a while I felt I was going through some emotional detox which was difficult but felt really healthy and productive, but that’s long since stopped and now I just feel like crap.
I know what’s wrong with my life, generally, but am at a loss for how to fix it right now. I don’t have a way to make enough money to support these kids. I haven’t worked in 5 years and even then hopped from job to job and did work (tending bar) that I couldn’t possibly do now, even if I could get hired (which I couldn’t).
I’m approaching 40 and I feel really stuck and hopeless. I feel like I am stuck in someone else’s life and I just can’t figure out how to get out. It’s not a midlife crisis. It’s not. It’s that I am not living the kind of life I want or giving my children the life I think they deserve and I don’t have the power to change it.
So how this relates to raw: All of a sudden, for the past week or so, I am having huge struggles with cooked food cravings. Some of them I have given in to, which makes me feel horribly guilty. I’ve had pizza and beer, buttery popcorn, basmati rice… And just last night I had more than half a bottle of organic red wine. I had been popping kava all day for anxiety but it just wasn’t cutting it. I have a headache today, of course. sigh (And no, I don’t normally drink, the wine last night and beer last week were abberations.)
I don’t know what to do with these cravings… I just want to feel normal, do things that make me feel good. I want to go stuff these bad feelings down with an Indian buffet for lunch today, badly, for instance. I wouldn’t even overeat, I never do – I just want to feel normal and have something that is comforting to me.
I don’t know what to do, I just want to make the way I feel STOP. I slept through the election results last night and I feel like a total ass for that this morning. I can’t believe I was too depressed to watch this amazing, important, historic thing happen.
So what do I do? Try to stay raw even if eating some cooked things might help me feel less awful? Go get on antidepressants? What?
I can’t keep going on like I am.
Comments
Thank you, sweetpea and 1sweetpea, for taking the time to respond. That’s good, helpful advice, and is truly appreciated. I feel like you both have a good understanding of what I’m going through and what I was trying to say, and it makes me feel a little better knowing that I am still at least able to express myself adequately and that others are able to respond to me with kindness, and simply that it is possible for me to be understood by others.
Yes, my kids are beautiful and amazing, and I want to be the kind of mother they deserve, not the sad, lonely mess of a thing I feel like right now.
I will try to do as you both suggest. Thanks again. A lot.
lostinspace- Well, I can honestly say that I truly know exactly where you are coming from; I too am stuck in a loveless marriage. I have been married for 6 years, the last 3 of which have been spent alone. My husband keeps accepting jobs over seas where he lives by himself. He says it’s for better pay, but we both know we fell out of love with each other a long time ago. I am also a stay-at-home mom and home school my 6 y/o. I’ve stayed married because I know that is the only way I can give my daughter the kind of life she deserves (and I’m fairly certain my husband knows this). I went through a very hard time feeling alone, abandoned, unloved. I questioned my very worth. Was I not beautiful enough? Did I not keep the house tidy enough?
This went on for quite some time until, believe it or not, I watched Love Actually (how cheesy is that?). There was a line in the movie where someone says “It is always going to be a totally s**t time.” For some reason that really struck me; it seemed to repeat in my head for days. I started to realize how true that statement is. No matter where you are in life, no matter what’s going on, there’s always going to be crappy things happening and crappy people doing them. But what’s the point in focusing on that? I have a kind, intelligent, beautiful daughter that I get to spend all my time with; friends and family whom, though they live on the other side of the country , I love dearly and talk to often; my passions like reading, uncooking, hiking, crocheting.
Learn the serenity prayer and make it your mantra. I cannot control what my husband does, where he lives, whether or not he loves me. I can control what I chose to put at the center of my life and so I focus on what makes me happy.
Thanks so much, all of you, for all your kind words. I couldn’t even bring myself to come back and look at this thread for a while because thinking about all this stuff was just stressing me out so much. I am taking everything you all said to heart. I’ll try to practice gratitude, give myself some credit, try to be a little easier on myself, make sure I’m eating right, and find a way to do things that feel good to me and will help me out of this situation.
I really want to thank you all for being so kind. That is so needed and appreciated right now.
Love to you all and extra special big hugs to you, stiffyk.
tears
Thanks so much.