How Could He?!!!! Relationship advice PLEASE!!!

superfood2

And just so you know, this only came up because YOU made a thread about it. I wouldn't have "pointed a finger" or known anything about your relationship otherwise. And yes, we only know your side and what you have told us; but you asked for our opinions!

And also just so you know, I don't think you're a bad person at all. I think you sound like you have a level head and probably could make a good friend. Not sure how a relationship with you would be, because it sounds like the person possibly would have to NOT tell you things, not be as open and honest as they could be with someone else, or else they would have to try to suppress who they are and what they want to do, which I wouldn't want to ask of anyone.

Again, good luck and enjoy the sex - I understand how important it is to find a good one in that area. :)

KathrynL

Hi Zin,

I know pornography was not the major driving factor behind your original post, but since it has become a theme of this thread...

We all have our own little "hot topics" that we feel strongly about and find ourselves immediately responding to, trying to convince others that our viewpoints are the best. Look at all the threads on this site about dealing with others about our diets.

The "sexy banned PETA superbowl ad" thread has demonstrated that porn/ graphic images are another hot spot.

I really think all of these topics are really essentially the same- we're all working to find our own values/beliefs and surround ourselves with the people who share them. Sometimes we are able to influence those around us, sometimes we go out and find new people who share our values, but most of the time it's a compromise of sharing our "knowledge" with others and letting them decide what pieces they want to add to their belief systems.

Anyways, my point is, just like we try to be a positive influence on the diets of our loved ones, usually by making the foods available and just setting an example, perhaps you can find a compromise with your boyfriend where you don't feel like he's hiding and he doesn't feel the need to hide (not really the healthiest in any relationship).

IF (and that's a big if) your BF is someone worth making compromises for - you've got to be willing to make compromises if your going to ask him to, right? - then perhaps you could find a middle meeting ground. Yes, there is some pretty disgusting pornography out there, both in content as well as the means of making (manipulation of participants, etc), but there are also some sites out there that focus providing women with an environment to celebrate her strength, confidence, femininity, sexuality, sensuality.... (the list of reasons some women want to celebrate their bodies is endless).

It may be hard, coming from value system where you feel very strongly against pornography, but perhaps you could work towards finding a site that doesn't contain overly graphic content, underly aged girls, and generally sleazed content. Suicidegirls.com is a great sex positive site ("sex positive" - I LOVE that phrase when it is used correctly).

I've written a lot, so it may have gotten lost, but my main point- try to find some sites that don't completely disgust you, but may help your BF meet the needs that he is using pornography to fill. You're probably not going to convince the average porn watching male to give up his smut, but you can provide a positive influence and help him make less smutty choices :)

Carnap

Why are you encouraging her to look at half naked women? Did she insinuate she was attracted to women? Suicide girls may be soft porn, but maybe she is healthy enough to get turned on without having to focus on ridiculous, narcissistic fantasies.

Porn is toxic. Yes, it pollutes the mind. Did you know men who watch LOTS of porn can even get erectile dysfunction? Because they cannot even get aroused without looking at/thinking about the fake actresses that they watch. Women don't act like that in real life. If you want to be "sex positive" why can't two people just enjoy each other?

Women do not gravitate naturally to porn. They are not extremely visually aroused like men. So it sounds more to me like woment who don't want to "change their boyfriends" are really unconciously changeing themselves to somehow make themselves feel better. I've seen it countless times. Friends with swinger boyfriends who like porn/fetish start to act the same way. One friend even went so far as to put up sexy women on her wall. You see? Stuff like this just creates confusion about sexuality.

Porn makes people desensitized to sex. Use a little now, it will stay in the persons mind. It will sink into their unconcious and populate their dreams. Images of women will be swimming all around their mind. All women will be seen in a sexual way. See a beautiful woman in the street, there will be an automatic imgage of her in some sexual scenario with the person.

Do you want to be with someone who is imagining other women while having this 'wonderful sex' with you? Is that really so great?

I don't think so. I think our evolutionary nature (to resort to an overused analysis of human behavior that is not an end all explanation) makes women naturally very jealous in order to hang on to one person for reproduction and rearing of offspring. If you jump onto the free love for all bandwagon, you are denying your nature, and supressing natural urges of rivalry and introducing sexual images of females that are going to mess with your true nature.

Be careful, don't let it go to far. (This guy is "jewish"? Obviously not practicing)

glamazon

Hello Zin

Listen I'm no expert on anything but I think I have experienced a wide variety of scenarios in my 4 decades of living. I've read thru all the comments and all these lovely people have offered you sound opinions. Ultimately you are the ruler of your destiny.

In your first post you almost came across as defeated looking for a sympathetic ear [and I think] for someone to agree with you...thus establishing you as being "right". Love is not about being right. Took me a few years to really understand that. Anyone can say the words but do they truly understand?? That's an entirely different ball game.

Then your recent post about "The sex is phenomenal. Out of this world. Like I can see the galaxies. Like I couldn't live without it" is in my opinion, a justification to tolerate things that you say you are absolutely against and thus continue in a relationship that is not all that you or he deserves.

[Again from an older persons point of view]...Sex is very important but NOT the most important. Obviously you both have alot of PASSION and chemistry...what do you have that bonds you when those other things begin to fade? I am by no means judging you darling..I am merely pondering thoughts for you to think about and ask yourself what it is you are really seeking.

People will come and go--facts! As you continue your life's journey you will grow and things you think you know now, will be and seem, so different when you look back 10+ years from now. I'm all for love and being loved. I'm all for great sex lord knows I was a "freakOthe week" not that long ago hahhaha BUT when you truly love yourself and KNOW yourself you will not settle/tolerate things and behaviors that are offensive to you---just to have phenomenal sex. And believe me luv, you CAN live without--you won't cease to exist without his penis---can I write that???

You are coming into your own. You have alot more living to do. First, find out who you really are. Decide what is acceptable or not to you--and be true to yourself!! Don't compromise and then make excuses for those compromises. And when you do compromise you will notice how out of a sense of self-preservation we feel the need to be judgemental because of our own insecurity that allowed us to make that compromise in the first place. One little breech of our true self becomes a vicious cycle. At the end of the day, some of those things you decide to overlook if they truly are not acceptable to you...will eat away at your core. Then that internal voice of right and wrong starts working overtime and the thing you thought was contributing to your happiness becomes a source for unpleasant emotions. You are the only person that can make you happy. You can share happy moments with others but you are the source of your joy.

Realize we are all here moving forward in this journey at our own paces. Some people are not going where we you are going no matter how much you like, love or have great sex with them. Others may need to be enlightened and may actually decide to travel with you. In the end, you will be where you are supposed to be and be exactly whom you were meant to be. You are loved and you will never be alone!

Many many blessings Zin.

Peace

Lo~

sisterbecky

Hi Zin,

Just adding another perspective here. As many have said- it really is up to you to decide what you feel is worth compromising over, and what YOU can live with. Whether it's food choices, or erotic/porn. To me, a big red flag would be if your boyfriend is degrading you for your choices in diet. For me, a deal breaker on a relationship would be if he was mocking my choices- not that his are different. But, you need to decide what a deal breaker is for yourself. Some people who are vegetarian just can not be comfortable with a person who eats meat, and others it doesn't bother. My husband is a meat and potatoes guy. Doesn't bother me a bit. What I eat doesn't bother him. But, that is us. I would be concerned if he is trying to pressure you into eating a diet you do not feel is healthy for you. In the end, you need to decide what you can accept in a relationship, and what you can't. To me, from just reading the posts, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a bad guy. Maybe you are too worried about him approving your diet choice? If your happy with it, that's all that matters. I believe in one of your posts you mentioned that you didn't like him eating a lot of meat around you, or watching tv? ( I hope I'm remembering the correct thread here?). If that's the case- he's either going to have to decide if he can live with that, or you will have to decide if you can be with someone who's lifestyle is quite different from yours. That, of course, is up to you and your boyfriend. But, please keep something in mind- if "we" (vegetarians, into raw food people) don't like people who attack are lifestyle choices, chances are that "they" may not take criticism of their diets so well either. I don't mean to say that you are attacking your boyfriend's diet, but I just try to keep that in mind when people ask about why I'm eating this or that. Because, I've found, it's very easy to come across sounding judgmental even when you are not trying to.

As far as the pornography, My thoughts are similar to Kathryn L on this. I can tell by many of the responses that my view of it is in the minority. That's fine. But, I'm going to add my thoughts on it just to give you more to chew on. Your choice in the end. I think context is important. Is your boyfriend trying to embarass or harass you with it? Or does he see it as a type of relationship aid? Thinks it adds spice to your relationship. Just some thoughts. I'm not trying to convince you to look at pornography. I can tell this is a touchy subject around here by some of the responses. If you, religiously/morally can not tolerate porn, you need to let him know. I know this goes against some of the very strong opinions of others who have posted- but I think there can be appropriate uses for erotic movies, art, etc. in a relationship. I don't think it's neccesarily a slippery slope- many men (and women) who view porn lead healthy sex lives. There ARE people who are addicted to it- and can only enjoy themselves with porn and not real people. But, then there are people who are addictive to food, gambling, alcohol, shopping....

zinfandel

Hey everybody,

Thanks for your responses. It is absolutely wonderful to see my relationship from so many perspectives and to hear so many new ideas.

Here are some points I'd like to make on my behalf:

Relationships do involve some amount of sacrifice, but the idea is that if each person is willing to make small sacrifices for the other they should balance out and everyone will be much better off in the long run.

I will tolerate tv (and I'll even watch it with him because I want to spend time with him), although I would ideally never be around it.

We have a very alive sex life, and I would feel like watching porn is like him lusting after another woman. To me it is absolutely inappropriate and akin to cheating. Pornstars I equate with whores in my mind (they are having sex for money). I have personally watched porn myself in the past (and not a little), and having experienced both sides I am absolutely not okay with it.

Since I do have some health problems, I think I've felt guilty that we can't share meals like a normal couple. We both do love food and it seems like I am robbing him out of a valuable experience. The thing is, I know he just wants to experience it with me. It's really out of love. And I have felt guilty over this. I think I am getting better so maybe we will share a meal occasionally. It really is a nice thing to prepare a meal and enjoy it together. Maybe if I loosen up a smidgen it will encourage him to go more raw too.

I really am not a huge Nazi people. I know I may have come off that way, or have been misinterpreted as such. I've had some really big setbacks in my life and I'm working my way out of them. Things are getting clearer and clearer and I'm getting happier. And that's all I could really ask for.

So everybody, thanks for your input. It's given me a lot to think about. :)

ofthesea

basically my two cents are that relationships are supposed to be give and take. if he can't support you with the food differences and your beliefs when youre supporting him with tv and his food, he isn't worth your time, period. sacrifice for a relationship and changing who you are are two entirely different things. dont feel guilty for treating yourself well with the good food you need, this is your flow and what makes you comfortable, and if he cant hang with that it's his problem.