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Eating disorders

First let me say i love this site, it has saved my life before, im hoping it can again. I have been battling bulemia for 1.5 yrs. about 6 months ago i discovered raw food and was able to fight what seemed like a mind controlling disease that i have. I felt great and was healthy again. However, The past few weeks school has started and stress levels have gone through the roof. Needless to say old habits have started again, but worse than before. I know im killing myself but can only make myself stop for a day or two at a time. I believe if i can keep myself raw and prove to myself i wont become obese with food in my stomach, i can overcome this. I was wondering if anyone else outthere has or has overcome something like this and has any advice.

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Comments

  • humanimalhumanimal Raw Newbie

    Hey! Just to let you know Iam here for ya. Lets just say you are not the only one who has a problem like the one thats tormenting you. If you ever want to talk Iam here. Maybe we help resolve this together :)

  • writeeternitywriteeternity Raw Newbie

    Hi All natural! It’s hard not to have an eating disorder knowing what is in most of the food available out there. I hope you can find a way to create a safe space for yourself. Know that you are helping the world and thousands of species of animals that may go extinct due to meat production and monoculture crops.

    You could eat a couple thousand calories a day from almonds and not gain weight because there aren’t carbs. The same is true for raw vegetables. When you think of it birds that are light as a feather eat seeds which are high in calories and 400lb gorillas eat leaves which don’t have fat so the world and the whole calorie theory isn’t really acurate.

    When you think of it, when you eat the right things you are eating light. You are eating energy. When you don’t have energy and aren’t providing your body with nutrients and the light energy it deserves, your body starts disintegrating and digesting itself.

    You really become heavier when you don’t supply your body with what it needs. Look at bread dough that is left on the counter. It is not ingesting anything but still doubles and triples in size. Why is this? It’s because yeasts are taking over. They are digesting what is around them. This same thing can happen in your intestines. Look at a picture of a malnourished kid- their stomach sticks out- it’s not flat.

    I know I’m not saying what people would usually tell someone in your position but maybe a different point of view will be helpful.

    Just think about the beautiful song birds. The seeds help them fly- they don’t weigh them down!

    I would recommend taking b complex and drinking celery juice. Celery maintains electrolytes and helps you deal with stress. Also foods high in zinc also help. Good luck with everything!

  • Morning_theftMorning_theft Raw Newbie

    Allnatural, I really do know what you mean… A little stress can really make you relapse into bad habbits. It really isn’t about focusing on the actual food that helped me, but about finding a whole different perspective on it. I think it’s basically about not trying to punish yourself for whatever reason it is that you may have, not hating yourself, but loving yourself. I am also here if you want to talk about this.

  • MarichiesaMarichiesa Raw Newbie

    Allnatural, you are not alone.;C)

    I’m sure you know at this point that food is not really the problem right? (Its a focal point for managing emotions that feel like they are going to “swallow’ you up.) Eating raw has really helped me have a healthier and more respectful realtionship with food but I won’t lie and say the old demons aren’t there. But now the demons are unable to hide quite as well.

    Check out the book ‘Eating in the Light of the Moon’ I’m reading it now. My best friend gave it to me for my birthday a week ago and its amazing. Maybe be it can help you too.

  • I’ve ALWAYS been very weight concious and I know it’s not a great feeling. Constantly thinking about what you just ate and if you should or shouldn’t have is really annoying!

    What’s helped me is to think about all the other people out there who are morbidly obese and KNOW that I will NEVER end up like that, pretty much just because that is one of my biggest fears. I know it’s really superfiscial to think like this, but it’s what helped me to live normally. I was never diagnosed with anorexia and never had to go to the hospital or anything like that, but I could go for days just eating apples or nothing at all, weighing very little whilst standing very tall, and I definately had a strained relationship with food.

    I’m 21 now and I’m quite slender and happy with who I am and what I look like. I understand that it’s hard because I’ve been there myself, but you really got to think that there are worse things out there… There really are…

    Good luck, and holler if you need anything ;)

  • My thoughts are with you.

    “I believe if i can keep myself raw and prove to myself i wont become obese with food in my stomach, i can overcome this.”

    Now, I don’t mean this negatively, but please be careful that you’re not using raw as another way of (negatively) controlling your food intake—ie. masking ED symptoms by rationalising that you’re eating healthily so it is okay. I only say this because I know one or two people who are ana / mia, and have progressed from it to raw food but in a very negative way. Their disorder is still controlling them.

    I would, if I were you, seek professional help … somebody to talk to about how you’re feeling would really help, and ensure that you’re approaching food in the right way.

    Good luck.

  • ZoeZoe Raw Newbie

    Just wondering if you could get some sessions with an therapist like some massage, Reiki, any loving touch or energy work. I know you are a student, some healing schools offer reduced rate services so their students can practice. I once got a whole course of Shiatsu for free that way. I just think that if it is all about food food food, whether you are raw, or whether you slip back to old habits, etc etc, then it might be helpful for you to take a rest from the food thinking/discussion and focus on your body, your mind and your Spirit, and connecting with others and allowing them to care for you and give you love. Sounds like you need some energy from an outside source to help shift you forward. A good healer can do this for you.

    Sending you the most positive vibes, love and wishes for your return to wholeness.

  • I second the suggestions to seek a therapist or a group. It is a wonderful thing to be able to be honest and to know that you aren’t alone!

    Also, don’t beat yourself up. I can guarantee you that everyone struggling with eating disorders, past or present, finds events like school starting incredibly difficult and triggering. If this has traditionally been a way you’ve dealt with emotions in the past, of course it will be tempting to go that way again when life gets shaken up!

    Give yourself credit for the progress you have made, remember that “keeping yourself raw”, though amazing for you physically, is mentally just another facet of the same disease. What you really need is a better and healthier form of emotional identification and expression.

    I have definitely been there before, AllNatural, and I struggled for eight years and have been in long-term hospitalization. But I have overcome it, not With raw foods but happily to raw foods. Please feel free to talk to me more about this whenever you want to. I understand.

  • I agree with so much that has been said. I suppose that many of us have arrived at raw food as either a way to help heal our relationship with food, or purhaps as another dead-end road to advance to eating disorder (and maybe which one we are on changes day to day!). It is not about the food – in the end, it probably matters less what we eat than the spirit in which we consume it. I’m on the journey of recovery myself and know that it’s a continual process. Try not to beat yourself up and do try to find a good therapist!

  • lstorzlstorz Raw Superstar

    Hi AllNatural,

    I really hear what you’re saying and I empathize. I was anorexic/bulemic when I was 14-15 years old, and I didn’t really get through the eating disorder until I was 20. My journey was long and filled with every diet in the world, lots of bingeing, lots of self-denial, lots of rage and grief.

    The book that ended my eating disorder was “When Food Is Love” by Geneen Roth. It’s the absolute best that I’ve read on eating disorders, because it thoroughly explores our relationship to food as form of nourishing ourselves or denying ourselves nourishment based on emotional/relational issues. It’s very easy to read, and Roth has a fantastic sense of humor, too. When I read it for the first time, I cried, because finally! Someone understood!

    7 years later I am really learning how to eat to live in a truly healthy and grounded way.

    Hmmm… I also highly recommend therapy. Eating issues are always a symptom of deeper issues that can be pretty overwhelming to tackle alone. I say this from my own experience.

    Good luck. I am sending much warmth and kindness to you….

  • Thank you all so much. The support has helped alot. I havent binged/purged in three days. I keep telling myself my body wants this and needs this. Its making more beutiful and more attractive. I know its only been three days, but i already feel better. Now instead of purging i have energy and “life” in me.

  • Hi AllNatural, I too have an eating disorder too. Raw food is really helping me tackle my demons. I now feel good about eating. My eye colour has changed from a muddy hazel to a deep rainforest green! I highly recommend lots of green smoothies, they are very healing for the body.

    I still am a bit fearful of eating lots of nuts and seeds – I eat some but probably not quite enough.Hence if there is a recipe that contains a lot of nuts or seeds then I generally don’t make it.

    Does anybody have any thoughts on this – or some info to help?

  • Well done AllNatural! That’s great progress. Also, remember that raw is all about making you beautiful and attractive on the inside & that this is the most important thing to focus on (the outside being beautiful too is just a nice benefit).

    radish_man, I think you’re experience with nuts / seeds is what I was trying to get across about being mindful (which you clearly are) of not letting a raw diet just become another kind of eating disorder. How great that you can own up in public to being afraid … that takes so much courage :-) Can you articulate what it is that you fear about nuts / seeds? Is it perhaps because they are not considered a “safe” or healthy food generally, and particularly not in ED communities, from my experiece. I think it would help if you could write down in words what you feel about nuts / seeds.

  • humanimalhumanimal Raw Newbie

    I like what I just saw AllNatural! Keep the energy and life flowing girl, cause Im startin to feel it all the way over here.

  • radish_man im sorry to hear that others feel the same pain i do. But everyone here has helped so much. For example today I had sushi with my boyfriend (who has no idea i ever had a disease) but instead of feeling gross i was like okay true it was calorie loaded and was white rice and fish but my body needs food…even if it isnt raw or the healthiest thing. Instead of throwing it up, i came home looked at some of the posts and overcame the urge. I had the energy (b/c i have been raw for 3 days not counting sushi) to lace up my tennis shoes and go for a run, something i havent been able to for a long time. Thank you again everyone—for helping save my life

  • I myself have been going through the same thing again in the past month or so, and I agree that being raw is only thing that prevents my eating disorder from taking over and making me ill. your not alone. gingerdbh@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk about it. I also have a journal at livejournal.com (tumaro)where I talk openly on this subject. xox good luck.

  • Hello! Im not going to diagnose myself with any type of disorder but i am an overeater. Im trying to overcome this so i can reach my goal, but lately i have been craving sweets and salty things (junk) and not so many healthy things. I ordered a couple of books to help overcome this and im praying also. AllNatural you are doing great babe. Keep up the good work

  • AllNatural, I just want to echo the support everyone has been giving. I can relate to your situation because I was severe bulimic also. As much as it’s tempting to try and pull yourself out of a cycle with willpower alone, sometimes it’s too hard to do without help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. Find a support group you can go to in person (to add to this wonderful online one) and if feasible find a good therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Going raw is such a wonderful step in loving your body but as many goneraw-ers have already stated, most binge-purge episodes and eating disorders in general are symptoms of emotional distress and not as closely connected to food as we would assume. Sending you all the best wishes and strength in your healing.

  • You all have been so good to me. Your words mean so much. Which is why i feel so horrible now. I have turned back to purging as a stress outlit i know. I still eat completely healthy, but i have been under an enourmous amount of stress lately (finals and precancerous issues). I need help but i know if i tell my fiance i would feel worse, like letting everyone i love down in some way. I know what i am doing is killing me. I am trying to get the courage to go to a help center. I was just wandering if anyone who has had a disorder did anything on their own to make it better…or might this go away when the stress does….i am so disappointed, i was doing so well. help.

  • AllNatural – You are doing very well :) You recognize that there is something that you are doing that is not healthy and are trying to be healthy. That in itself is huge. While I don’t purge I do understand poor relationships with food. I tend to binge (and I mean really) in times of emotional turmoil. The only thing that I can offer is to look in the mirror, not as you seeing yourself (as often we cloud our own image), but as someone who loves you, or as if you were looking at a beloved friend (which you are to yourself!) Look at the face of someone who needs love and understanding, then give that to her. Too often we look in the mirror and criticize ourselves or avoid the mirror altogether. Also know that there are a lot of people, while they may be strangers, who do care and wish you strength on your path to health.

    Blessings. :)

  • Don’t be disappointed by what you did in the past – make the right decisions now and instantly feel better! You have the will to change your life. I would suggest telling your fiance. It can only add stress by hiding it from him. He will help you! You need all the support you can get. You won’t be letting him down. He obviously loves you!

    I think it is much too hard to tackle this on your own. You are already under stress – don’t take on any more! You can beat this, but you need help to do it! You already have seen how encouraging and helpful perfect strangers on this forum have been. Just imagine how much more help will be getting from people face to face…especially your fiance.

    Good luck!

  • DelphineDelphine Raw Newbie

    Hi Allnatural & anyone-else struggling with eating disorders,

    Know that I can help you resolve this efficiently & quickly. For more information, I invite you to visit my website www.EmotionalSerenity.com then to contact me directly (see contact page/tel. & email).

    Know that eating living food is already a huge part of your healing process. You have my support.

    Wishing you the very best.

  • i think it’s really sad that the individualistic attitude perpetuated (especially here in the u.s.) is this idea that we shouldn’t need people, we shouldn’t rely on people, while i think the total opposite is true: we were made for community, we were made to rely on and help each other! it might be scary to ask for help, but it is necessary and a GOOD thing to do. i believe in God, and i believe he calls us to love and help one another. and i also believe in the devil, and i think he tries to get us to fail and fall by telling us we can handle things on our own or by convincing us that we are too much of an imposition on other people. God wants us to join together, he wants to make peace, and he wants healing. The devil wants derisiveness and separation among people—he wants us to separate ourselves emotionally, physically, and relationally and live in isolation where we are most vulnerable.
    that’s my thought. whether or not you believe in what i’m saying about God and the devil, i think anyone can agree that healing is greatly assisted by support and encouragement from those around us. so don’t be afraid to ask those people to help you!

  • AllNatural, it’s amazing reading what you write because a) I think it’s wonderful that you can be honest with yourself and those on this forum and b) because it’s like I’m reading something I might have written about my battle also. I’ll share some of the ways I do my best to stay on a healthy self-loving track and I hope that some of them can help you:

    Today I actually had a very stressful situation and on my walk home I had basically made up my mind to walk right into the grocery store buy up a bunch of donuts and muffins and have a binging/purging session at home. I paced outside of the grocery store for a while and had to take some time to do a little self-talk. I knew why I was stressed but that wasn’t going to help the stress go away. I remembered that everytime I binge and purge, the stress will go away for a while but then the guilt and the fatigue come annnnnd the original stressor is still there. Then I asked myself what was going on physically that makes me want to binge. And I realized, as with most people, stress makes me crave sweets and carbs. So I thought what could I have that is healthy but still satisfy the stress craving. So after a little more time I was able to walk into the store and buy some dried pineapple and dark chocolate. Then I slowly walked home slowly while constantly doing self-talk “I’ll be much happier in the end if I stay on track, I’ll be much happier in the end if I stay on track…” and had my snack. I don’t want to always turn to food for comfort but clearly a healthy sweet snack is %100 better than the other option I was considering. This afternoon I took the time to think of what I did that worked and what wasn’t so helpful. I’m also really taking the time to think of how much better my body feels and how much more energy I have having made that choice.

    Other techniques I use when I’m tempted to binge/purge:

    I wait 15 minutes – I tell myself if I still want to binge/purge in 15 minutes then I can. %95 of the time I don’t want to anymore.

    I do whatever I can to get out of my situation, whether it’s the environment or the proximity to trigger foods, a change of scene does a world of good.

    I write a list of pros and cons of binging (a tip from my old therapist) ex: pros: to relieve stress, have time to yourself… cons: fatigue, guilt cycle, health risks etc. Obviously the cons will outweigh the pros but you still have to be honest with yourself what the pros are because we wouldn’t binge/purge if we didn’t get anything from it. When you’ve written out the pros, think of ways you can achieve them without binging/purging.

    Always think of the positive, whether you’ve avoided a binge or you couldn’t avoid a binge. Think of what you did or what happened that you can learn from. Take the time to really talk to yourself. Cry if you want to cry, be frustrated if you need to but then realize that each binge/purge is an opportunity to learn about yourself and how you can love yourself more.

    Do talk to your loved ones, specifically your fiance. I can’t think of any of us that have dealt with eating disorders (which is probably %95 of American’s if you include overeating and disordered eating) that are able to live without any relapse or triggers for the rest of their lives. It is a part of your life just as he is, he will also have times when he needs your support. Once you start this channel of communication you will be able to speak to him about hard times in the future and use him to help you stay healthy and happy.

    Make sure that you’re not being to strict in your day to day eating. I would love to be %100 raw but for me I need to be able to eat sprouted bread, cooked fish, wine, and dark chocolate in order not to feel that I’m restricting myself too much and therefore making myself more likely to binge. Think of your day to day feelings towards your diet and whether you feel fulfilled and not restricted.

    Just know I and everyone who’s written is sending you all of their love and healing energy. It truly is such a big step to ask for help and just remember all the positive things you do every day. Best wishes and don’t hesitate to write again and let us know how things are going.

  • Im so thankful for this topic and the people that have the bravery to be honest with strangers. my record has been 5 days of no bingeing and purging but that was few months ago. Going raw has actually allowed me to be more conscious and aware of what my body is telling me, i can now resist S.A.D foods longer. it gets longer everytime. Last night, i was able to resist up to 10.00pm at night and that in itself is an achievement. I believe taking everything in the positive is encouraging, our body is not something we should fight against, treat it as you would your child. Why are we stuffing our child and making him/her puke?
    Allnatural- I began last year at boarding school and since then, the toilet has been my outlet for boredom, stress, emotions and image distortion. it funny, I know that no one can really help us out if we do not have the overwhelming motivation to want to recover. The want has to surpass everything. no therapist, no therapy, no one can save us, if we dont let down the electrical fence that guards our inner selves. becoming honest with all my relatives, family was one of the hardest things. i still dont admit it to some friends. But we’re getting there…LETS KICK SOME BULLIMIA BUTT!
    Radishman- I wonder why nuts are so commonly addictive actually, especially to the eating disorderly. At the moment, nuts are more of a sin than chocolate. i can eat brazil nut, almonds, peanuts, cashews, walnuts by the bagful.

    which nut do you guys eat alot?

    Isotorz- I BOught that book like you recommended before! her emotions extremely coalesce with her eating habits. shes is so intune with how she feels, thing is, my mind goes into a different state when i binge, i feel like im another person. someone i dont want to be. but its getting better :) my disorder came from everybody telling me to gain weight i think, no anorexia. so much positive energy in this thread!

  • i have to say that reading this made my heart swell. i think its magic- plain and simple- that people are so willing to offer help and suggestions to those battling afflictions such as these, and all without judgement. this, i believe, is god shining through us…

    allnatural- i really feel for you. i have many friends who have battled eating disorders and i have been told that admitting the problem and reaching out for help is the hardest step in overcoming it. many of those friends still won’t even talk about it to this day…it seems too painful to even talk about.

    i’ve also been told that in many cases, eating disorders spring from emotions which actually have very little to do with food… a lot of times, especially in men, it comes from the stress of having very little control over other things in life. what goes into your mouth- or what you choose to allow your body to digest- is something you definitely have control over. this is what i’ve been told, although i have been meaning to research the subject further and haven’t had the time, so i could be somewhat off…and i apologize if i am! ;-)

    i have a theory that sometimes things like this can spring from past-life experiences, being that i am a firm believer in reincarnation (kindly disregard this is you’re not such a believer!)... a lot of people get regressed through hypnosis and overcome emotional obstacles because it allows them to remember what it is they’re REALLY afraid of… i’ve been meaning to do this because i had severe obsessive-compulsive disorder in my pre-teens and i’ve never felt that the counseling i received showed me the reason behind it… more or less, i think i just became really afraid people would think i was nuts and be annoyed by me, so i just sort of stopped… i still catch myself checking the alarm clock too many times before i go to sleep, clicking the lock button after i get out of the car 8 or 10 times… and i only notice myself doing it when i’m stressed out.

    if i find anything that looks promising, i’ll be sure to post. good luck to you! and i agree with ‘madness’... i think you should tell your fianc

  • I think eating cheese, meats, and chemicals makes your body imbalanced and causes all kinds of problems.

    “Eat to live. Don’t live to eat.”

  • If only i would have read these responses when i woke up this mornin it might have been a successful day. I had an early exam (stress trigger) Came home and saw that my roomate had left some fresh brownies…any other purgers know baked goods can be the hardest thing to purge because i guess they (settle) in the your stomach. But i couldnt help myself. I purged until i could anymore, and cried during because i felt so guilty doing it. Still sitting here 15 minutes later, drinking a glass of water i feel like i need to purge again. I thank god for this wonderful group of people and their support. Because of you i am refraining from a round 2 episode. Im am overflowing with emotion and tears.

    i never noticed before either but—yeah—i do crave nuts…alot of them,

  • When a person is aware that these inordinate “disorderly” eating desires occur in relation to certain stresses in their life, it would appear that the problem is not the binging & purging, but the thing which is creating the sense of stress. Being stressed means that the person is being overwhelmed by the requirements of whatever it is which is placing demands on their resources: on time, money, abilities, knowledge, etc. – demands that the person (currently) feels theirself unable to meet, but nevertheless also feel compelled to accomplish, regardless – regardless of their judgement on the matter.

    Would it not make sense that it is the thing which produces the stress, the thing which should be removed, rather than to cause oneself to suffer more, exacerbating the situation by the additional physical stress of the binging/purging, plus the negative psychological effect upon one’s self-esteem?

    It seems that the urge to eat has to do with the feeling of comfort & pleasure that it brings; the relief from the rest of one’s life when is not so happy. But why would one then throw out (so crudely) everything which one has just been so happy to take in? It must be that the person really only wants the experience of the pleasure they receive (and whatever other associations come with what is being eaten), but not the nutrition or the calories – it is like a subconscious communication to the self: “I want something which makes me happy in the same way as this food does, which is available to me, in comparison to the rest of my situation, which really sucks, and over which I have no influence; where I’m not allowing myself any authority in the important decision of either accepting or rejecting it”.

    I’m curious if those of you who feel motivated to do this binging & purging are aware of what you are thinking/feeling when you are compelled to binge, and more importantly later when you want to purge (why you want to take it all back out again). Do you feel yourself stuck in this mode, unable to seek other places to go, things to do?

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