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Please help me change my way of thinking

queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

I am having some problems changing my way of thinking (and living). I am referring to work related lifestyle mostly.

A few years ago I had a really good paying job with great benefits – I actually had money in my savings account for the first time in my life! Now I have none of that – it is all gone (money too).

So my lifestyle is different now than it was a few years ago but I am having feelings of sadness and guilt because I lived one way for so long and now everything is different (also because I feel like I am “starting over” again)

I think it is because i was brought up to believe there is only one way to live: you get a 9 to 5 job (working for someone else) with good benefits and save for retirement, get married, have kids and retire. Well, that is NOT the way I am doing things. I don’t have a problem with the marriage and kids thing (well, my mom does and she barely speaks to me anymore because of it) but more the job thing.

For a long time I had “regular” jobs (not necessary 9 to 5 but you know 40 hours a week with good benefits and working for someone else ) now I don’t have that and I honestly don’t want to go back to it if I can help it – I would like to a more flexible schedule and set my own hours and maybe work from home and not work like I used too (mostly because I am NOT a morning person and like to sleep in plus I hate the fact that I don’t have much control over whether or not I get the job or not) so I have been trying to start my own business and find alternate ways to live and make money but I still keep have thoughts like “this is not a right way to live because it is not a “real” job” and it keeps holding me back from doing more things.

It also doesn’t help that I now live in an area where people work 60 to 70 hours a week at their jobs (not saying I want to do that) but I feel like a total slacker because I don’t have a job to “go to”. I had always prided myself on being a “perfect employee” because I was always a very hard worker at my past jobs.

I think maybe I burned myself out in my twenties as I worked very hard at a full time job and part time going to school. I would actually feel guilty if I was NOT busy doing something. I always felt that if I had a spare moment with doing work related to do that I should find something (work wise – not relaxing). I accomplished so much during a day back then and now I don’t accomplish anywhere near as much as I used too and my thought go back to thinking that I was doing better than.

I know that lots of people work for themselves and do fine but I think it was so ingrained in me that I should have a “real” job with security (one you get when someone else hires you) that I am feeling guilty about trying to do it differently. I feel bad about it (and sort of scared about the money issues).

My parents are very pessimistic people who think there is only one way to live: you finish high school (and in their minds you don’t need to go to college – of course I did), get a safe secure job (and you don’t change jobs in your life if you can all help it unless you are moving up in the same company), get married, have kids, eat meat and go church. (hehe! I just threw those last two in there – I don’t do those either and my mom does not like that! but I don’t feel guilty about those at all!).

My parents believe that only rich people can go to school to become doctors! They are very “nuclear” family and “don’t take any risks” type of people and relaxing and enjoying life was limited to holidays, vacations and special occasions only – no doing it on regular days. Anyhow, all of this was ingrained in my thinking at a young age. (Not to mention how my parents believe that it is bad to owe any money on your credit cards or to anyone – oh how I failed in that department and they love to tell me so when they get a chance – of course i avoid them now which I need to do because I’ll start feeling bad about myself if I have to deal with them – of course I still feel guilty about it because of them).

I don’t believe there is only one way to live but I still have those feelings of guilt creep up on me now and then (I sort of go back and forth) and that I should go back to the “safe” way of living (not that I am having much luck getting a “regular” job either!). What can I do to get rid of these thoughts and feelings?

How does everyone change their ways of thinking about things like this? Are there any good books or websites I can read to help me that I can refer to when I start thinking like this – to help me not feel guilty and that what I am doing is OK? (I guess I do have problems living in the “present” too – I am always worrying about the future and sometimes the past too – I am trying really hard to change that.)

Does anyone else have thoughts and feelings like this or am I a total freak? I feel like I am the only one. I hope I am making sense and my post isn’t “all over the place”.

Gosh, how hard it is to get rid of learned thoughts and behaviors from your childhood? I can’t believe it!

Sorry this post is a bit long. Maybe I needed to rant a little bit too. thanks in advance for any advice!


  • angie207angie207 Raw Master

    Is your current way of thinking working for you? I had someone once tell me that the way I viewed a certain type of situation was UNDERSTANDABLE considering my experience, but that it wasn’t USEFUL - she was right! Also, just because your parents don’t treat you well regarding some of their beliefs, doesn’t mean that there is no value in the principle they are talking about (for example, debt can be quite restrictive & the interest keeps the restriction going longer, so just because your parents criticize you & criticism is negative, that doesn’t mean debt is necessarily a really positive thing all the time, either). That doesn’t mean you have to do everything for them, or the same as they do, but it can be useful to look at each belief/thought pattern and examine what works for you and what doesn’t. If you are unable to support yourself with self-employment, a “regular” job can be a great thing, provided you can get one :) If you only want a job so other people will think you’ve arrived at some station of social acceptability, but it’s not really the best way for you to accomplish your goals, then reexamining your motives may be in order.

  • Wow, Queenfluff I hear and understand your pain!!! Maybe you would find some peace in the book by Eckhart Tolle, it is called “A New Earth”... You can view the videos of him and Oprah discussing the book, which I found helpful… Picture YOURSELF in the most positive light of being sucessful with your own hair beauty bussiness.. We have learned we are what we eat but we need to understand that we are also what we believe we are!!! Good luck with “Giving yourself permission to be YOU”!!!

  • ZoeZoe Raw Newbie

    Louise Hay The Power is Within You – the best book on changing thinking ever. It gives you everything you need in the best possible way. I could ramble on for pages but everything I’d say is in that book, she puts it all really well too.

    I also had the same kind of upbringing as you, and I have not worked in a regular job for 7 years now. I work from home, keep my own hours, etc It took a lot for me to change my mind and stop feeling guilty for going to bed at dawn and getting up at midday which is my preferred routine!

    But I feel that I have got over it all now, and as a result I am earning more than ever. If you think it is wrong to work less and earn more etc, then the money just doesn’t flow. Kick the mental negativity and it flows… I also used subliminal cd’s called Inner Talk, they have a couple for prosperity which really help to shift some of that nasty poverty conciousness.

    In the beginning when I was first self employed I was so nervous and scared about how many clients I would get that day, I was always adding up the books and checking to see how much I had. When I wasn’t worrying about that I was stuck in self doubt believing that I wasn’t worthy of being self employed that I wasn’t good enough. It was all crap from the beliefs I got driven into me from a young age. I am so greatful that being self employed has given me the opportunity to clear all of that away. The freedom and peace of mind living without all of that rubbish in my head is brilliant.

    You just got to keep going Queen Fluff, it is worth it, you are worth it. You’ll get rid of it all and be free and prosperous, just takes a little time.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    thanks so much for the advice guys!

    Angie – yeah, debt is bad and i don’t want to have it but honestly my parents live in another time. Most people today have SOME sort of debt. They don’t seem to understand that it is almost a prerequisite to have a degree in todays world. My parents were always very restrictive about money – we didn’t buy anything at the store unless it was on sale AND we had a coupon – to this day I don’t like coupons. I guess my parents and I just view money differently – I think you should be able to spend it when you work hard for it, they think you shouldn’t spend any of it (just what is needed).

    It is difficult to not get into the whole story about how unsupportive they are of me. It might be hard to imagine for others who might have supportive parents. It is not like I messed up in life (I always did well in school, i have Bachelors degree and a couple of other degrees and certifications and have had good jobs) – I just didn’t do it the way THEY would have done if they were me so they like to nit-pick. My brother, who never moved out of my parents house, is (in my parents opinion) doing better than me. Which seems ridiculous to me because he doesn’t pay a “real world” rent or do things like his own laundry (fyi, he is older than me!). So, to answer your question, no my current way of thinking is not working for me but for the most part – the thoughts are not working are the ones from my past – not really from the present or future – those are ones I am trying to keep in my head. It is very difficult to get rid of the old thoughts and not have them come up and surface everyonce and while.

    waterbaby12347 – thanks so much for the book recommendation! I really need some thing to “refer” to when those thoughts start coming back. I do actually often picture myself doing well in different businesses – I have a few in my mind. Pretty soon my products will be available – I am not a “business” person at all – It is taking me a while to figure out costs and such – doesn’t help that I hate math too and all this is new to me.

    Zoe – thank you so much! That book sounds great! I have two good references now! I was SO glad and relieved to read your post because I was thinking I was the only one who has this problem! It doesn’t seem like it would be so difficult to break with your guilty old thoughts about the way you are living, does it? But it is! I have changed careers many times in my life and that doesn’t scare me but working for myself is a new thing. I am so used to the security of a “regular” job – this is so unfamiliar to me but I really want to do. So, perhaps what I am experiencing is normal for someone who is changing their way of life like I am doing?

    I don’t think it is necessararily wrong to make more money and work less – it is just that it has never been that way for me – It is so unfamiliar. At my last job, I was finally making real good money and I actually was paying off my debt and bills for the first time in my life. (I paid off over 20,000 in a 3 years while paying for my other costs too). I am relatively good with money once I have it but not good when I don’t have much. Maybe because of all the coupons and stuff when I was young? I hate having to “scrounge” too much. I don’t expect to be filthy rich but able to pay for what I need.

    Those CDs sound interesting too! Your schedule sounds similar to what my bf and I keep – well, I am not up that late (he likes to stay up until 4 am though!)- I feel better if I stay up until like midnight or 1am and than sleep until like 9am or a bit later. I just can’t get up at 6am like you end up doing on most 9 to 5 jobs – it is really tortuous for a night owl like me!

    Thank you so much for your story – you have no idea how much it hit home and it really helped me to feel better about what I am doing. It is very comforting to know that this will all clear away some day when things have “taken off”. I can’t wait for those old thoughts to go away! I will be coming back to re-read your post anytime I feel self doubt! :)

  • ZoeZoe Raw Newbie

    Yes Queen fluff I do believe it is normal for us to go through this. I went on a retreat last year in America, and just about everyone there had made the transition from being employed to being self employed, and we did a seminar all about the fears etc that we have all gone through and how to pass through them. I had dozens of conversations with people who felt the same way as I did and you do. It was great!

  • angie207angie207 Raw Master

    Queenfluff – I didn’t mean AT ALL to criticize your choices about debt :) I have a ton of debt – thank goodness for student loans, or I never would be able to go to school and improve my financial situation like I am. I go through all the same things as Zoe described, in regard to self employment. Things still haven’t “taken off” because I don’t let them – I was raised to believe that it is somehow more honorable to work super hard & barely have enough to live on, and that people who have nice houses, new cars, etc. are somehow bad, or arrogant or something is wrong about having money. Anyway, I believe that the negative beliefs have to clear away even before things “take off” or else they will not take off, or I will self-sabotage so that it doesn’t last. That’s just been my pattern, but I’m working to overcome it and open up to joy & freedom & abundance. So far, it’s working – our raspberry bushes have not ever produced a ton of raspberries, and they seem to produce less every year. This year, though, I have been working to open myself to receive and enjoy abundance – from God, the Universe, life, kindness from other people, whatever. I am ASTOUNDED at all the flowers and now little green raspberries forming on those bushes! It doesn’t have to be struggle and strain, but I’ve made it that way for so much of my life that I’m finding this process is a huge change.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    zoe- that sounds great! I feel tons better knowing that what I am going through is fairly common. Whew! Big relief. I know that I am a naturally introverted person with new people which isn’t probably the best thing for a business but I do like to create things and help people so I am hoping I will get used to the”business” part as things go along. Oh, I ordered a used copy of the Louise Hay book yesterday – I can’t wait for it to arrive. I notice she has lots of other books too – have you read any of those?

    angie – Oh no, I didn’t think you were criticizing me! I do have too much debt. I admit it and I don’t like it but I guess in my life I have never really had much opportunities to get out of it (except for my last job where I was actually making good money before that I had jobs where I hardly made enough to live off of) but I was never really good with the credit cards (I am still probably not). I prefer to use cash for everything but if you don’t have the cash what are you going to do. I guess I would say that the my debt that I have accumulated has helped me out (that sounds so backwards but honestly in some situations it is true). Some people think that debt is the worst thing but I think sometimes you gotta take a “fall” to get going – that doesn’t bother me (it bothers other people esp my parents). Of course, I would prefer to not have any but such is life. I do sometimes buy things I don’t need when I am down (not expensive stuff but just little things) so I guess I am an emotional spender like some people are emotional eaters.

    I was raised to believe that rich people are rich people and people who aren’t rich can’t get there. So, if you are middle class, you stay that way. Rich people are born rich or they are lucky or something. My parents seemed to believe that rich people are smarter for some reason – i don’t believe that. I don’t think it is bad to have money – as long as you earned it the good way and not by some horrible way. But I think some rich people have more than they need and spend too much on things the rest of us would just settle for the average. It is just sad, of course, when some people have too much and some people hardly have any (I wouldn’t put myself in that last category as I know there are people far worse off than me!). But I guess growing up poor I can’t help but be jealous – sometimes it just seems so easy for people who have money esp those who are born rich and have a rich family to fall back on. I hear you about the struggle and strain – it is so hard to break that pattern!

    That is great about your raspberries! Are you running a raspberry farm?

  • ZoeZoe Raw Newbie

    I have got Louise’s other book called You can heal Your Life, I read it ages ago but want to re read it. I also have a meditation cd of hers knocking around that I used to listen to all the time. It had a morning and an evening meditation which was basically her saying amazingly loving and supportive things so you start your day right, and end it feeling great too.

    I’m also naturally introverted, well, I was, since I have been raw that has lessened. Anyway, when I first went self employed I was very, very shy, I know how you feel. Especially asking people for money and negotiating money, aagghh! very tough ;) Gets easier with practice though.

    Re the debt. There are people in the UK and the USA, who have found a few loopholes in the law about credit and debt. They send letters to the bank threatening them with some kind of legal action and the banks write off the debt. Apparently this is because the banks do not lend money legally, there is some issue with the law and it can be exploited. In fact there was a guy at our potluck last night who worked doing just this. He has a 100% success rate in getting people’s credit card debt’s written off. I don’t know who you could get in touch with in the USA over this, maybe if you put some feelers out or even googled it you could find a way to get your debts written off.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie


    I want to thank you for recommending the Louise Hay book. I am in the process of reading it and it is so helpful, comforting and inspirational. It is helping me realize that I need to change my life (again!). I am sending out my positive thoughts to my Higher Self (I am calling it my High Me – hehe!). I am also doing the sending out of “accepting” thoughts ( Mine is “I accept lots of money in life” ). My bf and I are actually starting to make a little bit of money with our raw events. We made raw food for our friends and people want us to throw other parties and such. So, things are getting a little better. Not enough to pay all our bills with but still nice.

    I am finally realizing that maybe the reason I have not been able to find a job here is life telling me something – it is time to move on to something new (and I am no stranger to that!) So I am also looking into going back to school for my fifth career change – something like massage therapy or herbal studies. I already have a normal cosmetology degree so I figure that would be a nice branch off. Health care jobs are doing the best right now. I think I was really not wanting to do yet another career change in my life but I know I am different than I was six years ago so I think it is unavoidable.

    This book really helps me feel better about my current situation even about my past. One of my favorites goes something like this “You are doing the best you can with what you know at the time” – I really helps me to NOT feel guilty that I am not living up to certain standards I had set for my self before. Other ones are ” Life is here to support you” “All is safe in your world” “I am comfortable with change”.

    And I am only half through the book! I will definatley want to read the Heal your life book when I am finished with this one! Thanks again! :)

    I haven’t heard anything in the US about what you say about the credit card debt – I am sure if there was a way to do that here you might here about – other than declaring bankruptcy. I check it out though!

  • Queenfluff, you might check out Body Therapy Center in Palo Alto (on California avenue) for your massage therapy training. That’s where I went, and absolutely loved it—and I definitely got the impression it’s the best training in the Bay Area.

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    Audrey – Oooo, thanks! that is perfect! Right near me! I am in Mountain View and don’t have a car so that would work out great. I was looking at the National Holistic Institute webite yesterday – they have a branch in San Jose. It is 720 hours to get your certification or license – they teach alot of different techniques too. It didn’t say how much it cost which will be a factor for me.

    Thanks for the tip! I will look into that. Are you a massage therapist? If so, how do you like it?

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    Audrey – this is the right place: http://btc.mckinnonmassage.com/

  • WinonaWinona Raw Newbie

    Queenfluff – your parents and mine would be best buddies. My folks disapprove of everything in an extreme way – to the extent that they lie to their friends and family about much of my life. Hehe. They’re right wing religious folks and they’re creepy and liars on top of that. Took me a long time to get over their disapproval of everything that I do. But I just put them outta my mind, rarely visit, and they’ve never met my boyfriend of 4 years – can’t trust em. It may sound extreme to those with great folks, but again, you can’t know till you’re in the situation. no worries queenfluff – this type of problem is normal, and i could go on for pages about the crazy things my folks have said and done but that’s not helpful for anyone. You CAN change your mindset. Start doing things you’ve always wanted but never could. Forage for greens. Take a 20 mile bike ride. Swim in the ocean. Try knitting. Once you’re DOING things, you’re not mulling things over – you’re using the short precious life that you have!

  • queenfluffqueenfluff Raw Newbie

    Winona – Yep, I feel ya. I dont think my parents don’t lie about the way I live my life to family and friends but I think they LOVE gossiping about me. “Kimberly did this and that, what is she thinking?, blah blah. Why can’t she just marry a doctor and have five kids?”

    I remember when I first went vegetarian and everyone in my family gave me a hard time about it (“your not going to get enough protein and your going to get sick..etc) – but many years later when they are all getting sick and fat and being vegetarian was getting popular as being a healthy way of eating – everyone was all on my side. They (the family) believes what is popular or what their doctors tell them or if they see it on TV or the news than it is OK. I have to stay away from my parents too – it is the only way I can keep my line of thinking on tract. If I have to talk to them and listen to them put me down, I start getting depressed. Good thing I am half way across the country now so I won’t have to worry about dodging family events etc.

    My family is pretty religious too – I am not sure if I would call them extremely right wing but they are definatley stuck in their views. I could go on for pages too – I would call them hypocritical Christians. They don’t “walk the talk” They say they are Christian people but they don’t like people of other races.

    Thanks for your words of encouragement! Reading the Louise Hays book is definatley helping. It is even helping me put to rest the bad thoughts about the past about my parents. Through most of my life I was always hoping I would find out I was adopted some day and find out that my real parents were more like me (cool hippie types who live on a commune or something!)

    The book explains parents bad actions in an easy way and it makes you think differently about it so it is easier to put those feelings behind you. I used to always go back to thinking about the past and feeling sad about things that didn’t go right – I am noticing that I hardly ever do so anymore like I used to. So things are definately getting better! As long as I don’t look back to the past, I do alot better. I agree too that keeping busy helps so that is what I am trying to do with a new way of doing things!

  • SuzicalSuzical Raw Newbie

    Queenfluff – check out this website:


    Tons of books, tapes and articles to help you out. Great stuff.

    Best – Susie

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