so the main reason i went raw was to quit binging and purging. i’ve had eating disorders for years, and the bulimia was getting way too intense. i switched to all raw foods a little over a month ago and it worked SO WELL. suddenly i was at peace with food, i was happy, healthier than i’ve ever been. etc. things were great. the last week was very stressful for me – i’m getting kicked out of my apartment in ten days and dont know where i’ll end up, one of my best friends tried to kill himself, i’m in a complicated relationship i think is sort of doomed.. etc. i think it was the stress that started messing with me. suddenly i started obsessing more about my body and weight, hating myself more. the past month i was so much more accepting of myself, and suddenly it was going away. sunday afternoon i was at work and when i went on my lunch break i just snapped – binged and purged at work. this continued all night after work and all yesterday. i’ve stopped today and put myself back on strict raw foods, but i feel like shit and i’m pretty depressed about it. i really thought i had kicked it. i know it’s kind of naive to think you can banish a longstanding bad habit that easily, but i didnt expect it to come back so quickly, without warning, and so intense. i probably spent 200 dollars on food, none of which i digested. :( i guess i just needed to vent. i’m frustrated that i did this. not only was the whole thing disgusting, wasteful, and destructive, but i feel guilty over buying all the corporate crap i ate. ugh. sorry to be a downer today. i’m glad i have this place though – time to make a salad.
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YES YES YES!! Please do; it’s the only thing that was able to help me. I tried many times to do it on my own, but looking back, even though it wasn’t that long ago, I really needed help and support. And you do deserve it! I feel for you! It sounds like you’ve been through some major shit, and I think it’s time you get some help to find your way out of it. I know you can do it!!
Yup yup, everybody here has great advice and is ready to give you support when you need it! I still definitely have major feelings of guilt when I feel like I’ve eaten “too much.” But really, it’s better than it was. I think it’ll always be a part of me a little bit, but that’s just my perfectionist nature coming out! You can get thru the worst of it, and as time goes on, things can only get better! It’s up to you to change it, and you DO have control.. just remember that! and good luck to you!! :)
wow. i really appreciate all of you so much. getting home and seeing all these words of encouragement really touched me. sometimes it’s easy to feel very alone, and it is so good to remember that there are always so many people out there who understand. if i could hug you all, i would. i do have a therapist, we’ve only had a few sessions though and i’m not sure i like her. we’ll see. i want to give her more of a chance before i decide. yesterday and today have been all raw and healthy and good, so i’m feeling better. i know some people don’t need such strict rules for themselves, but apparently i do. thank you again! i’m sure i’ll be asking for help and support again as things come up.. and i will be here to help any of you as well! <3>
kedamono, if you accept one advice regarding the therapist and therapy itself, try not to project your feelings on her and keep on going, change her only if you really feel the two of you are incompatible. Therapy is often a painful experience and you will often feel resentment but you need to grit your teeth and march on and not use your anger, resentment or pain as an escape route from it. I’m speaking from experience, hang in there, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and eventually you’ll get out to the light and learn how to stay there. If you feel low or feel like binging, try to exercise, make a raw cake, call people, read something that gives you positive reinforcement etc. Raw cake and some music works for me the best LOL
Kedamono,
I have only recently been diagnosed as a non-purging bulimic which means that I tend to fast for long periods of time or exercise until I’m ready to drop. While I recognize that this behavior is unhealthy, it’s difficult to stop. I will admit that I have not sought counseling yet but probably will as this has been going on all of my life. The piece of information that I wanted to share with you was regarding food consumption and tracking. I log everything that I eat and hate the feeling of seeing something on there that wasn’t what my conscience dictated. Sometimes the thought of having to write everything down and look at it has stopped me from binging. My goal is to make myself accountable and if I ate it then I have to accept it … without the knee-jerk reaction.
Since I went raw, I have felt at peace with food, healthy and whole without having the urge to binge; however, I realize that with my history then the day will probably come. My plan is to utilize self-talk to remind myself that I eat raw now. If I’m going to binge then it has to be on this playing field and the food has to be raw.
Sorry for the rambling but I just wanted to share my journey and let you know that you’re not alone. Best of luck … Hugs!!!
ananya – thank you for sharing! and serious props for coming to terms with food and your body (well, starting the process!).. i can totally relate. raw REALLY helps me feel better about myself and my life. if you ever want to like.. talk or need support or anything, i’d be totally thrilled. i know i could use some ‘raw buddies’ who understand the ED universe.. hugs to you too! :)