So, as the subject heading suggests, I have been through quite a difficult time the past several days. I created a post a day before then saying I was hungry all the time, and many wonderful, caring people replied with some great advice, and I just wanted to say I really was touched by how nice everyone is here, and I thank you all very much.
Okay, so this has been incredibly hard. I did not "try" to detox - I guess my body was just ready (and I am supposed to take the GRE day after tomorrow and don't possibly see how I can do it considering how I've been feeling). I have had many physical symptoms, which have been somewhat incapacitating - terrible diarrhea, body feeling so weak it feels like rubber, headaches, shakes, waves of "pain", a disgusting odor from the skin. Oh, and two days before this all started, I really didn't sleep for two days. I had so much energy, I just wasn't tired and really couldn't.
But the emotional symptoms have been very difficult to for me to deal with, and if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. I just want to make sure I am doing the right things food wise to lessen the detox, because I honestly can't handle this all right now. Firstly, I have a history of emotional problems. I used to take a lot of prescription medications, and I still take Xanax occasionally for anxiety. Since improving my diet, I don't really need it so much anymore. But I have a history of anxiety disorders, and I went to a slew of bad doctors who stuffed me full of meds rather than talking to me. I have tried about four different anti-psychotic medications - not because I was psychotic, but because nothing else was helping my anxiety disorder. I took anti-depressants...basically, you name it...I've tried it all. I finally found a great (albeit, expensive) PhD in psychology, who I have been working with the last two years. She thinks the meds "stuffed down" my emotions and didn't allow me to deal with them. I've been doing fantastically in therapy, and there really is nothing wrong with me (besides some anxiety) - I just had been through a lot, had a lot to talk about, and needed someone to understand that. So, I really had felt like I had dealt with a lot of stuff. But now, I am in a position where I have to face some scary stuff. It is just coming up to surface. I read Zoe's comment on another post about slowing down her transition to lessen the detox, and I have been doing that. I find that if I ignore the emotions I feel right now during detox, they cause these weird "waves" of pain/ anxiety / and depression. I don't feel like I am reliving bad times, but I felt the "feeling" of bad times. And once I just sort of acknowledge it, and admit something to myself that I don't want to, it eases. If I'm not confronting it fully while awake, I dream about things - things I NEVER think about or talk to people about. But the dreams are always therapeutic in nature. It feels like I am trying to deal with this stuff while asleep. In one, I had an open discussion with a relative about something we would never, ever discuss in real life. But then I woke up and thought, great - I really don't want to think about THAT! Oh well...my point is...this is just so hard. I guess the hardest part is that I was told by so many doctors that there was no hope for me. And I felt like I was "crazy" and screwed up for years because of what doctors told me. My therapist is very reputable (she's famous actually), and she says she will put her license on the line because she so strongly believes that I am NOT crazy. But it is really hard to tell myself that when my emotions feel all over the place. I hate feeling out of control, and this feels pretty close to out of control! Sorry...this probably way too much information! But I really do feel like I made a decision to change my health because I am in a healthy place. I just didn't expect this.
If I am trying to ease up the detox, how long is this going to take?! I feel much better than I did yesterday. I am eating some soup, and I bought my pretzels. I don't know what to do really. I really can't afford to detox this strongly because I have to take a GRE and I have to be able to go to work! Does anyone have food suggestions to ease up the detox? I was eating a lot of celery and cucumber before, which I think are detoxing foods. I have a super, super sensitive body! I tell doctors this, but they never believe me until I react to something I've been prescribed and they realize I actually was right. So, whatever may have worked for you, I might need to tone down or do more of. I am hoping I feel more normal tomorrow.
I know health does not come instantaneously, or without hard work. I suppose I am just scared. I had no idea that simply improving my diet could cause such a strong physical / mental reaction. The fact that the mind and body are intimately connected has never been more apparent than it is now; my physical and emotional symptoms are really one. I would "like" to believe that I am healthy enough to make a decision to change my health in this way. I have been through a lot, but isn't that precisely the reason to improve my health? What do you guys think?
Oh...I also wonder if any of this can have a hormonal link? I have a sort of cramp feeling like when I have PMS. Has anyone experienced anything like that? Also, I didn't come to this decision frivolously - I have been interested in and learning about raw foods for three years. I just didn't feel ready till now. Is it normal for me to feel some hesitancy considering the difficulty of this detox? Also...the smell had a metallic-y, bitter sort of smell...anyone experience that?
Sorry for such a long post! I would appreciate any advice you can offer. This whole experience has made me realize that it is INSANE the way we live today! Of course the way we live today causes emotional numbness and disease! If my body can react this way after essentially eating healthy food for two months, then there was obviously something wrong with the way I was living. I guess I didn't realize I was holding so much pain in my body. Eh...I guess this will be a "journey" 'for sure! Strangely though, my detox strarted out wonderfully! I felt sharp mentally...I interpreted the music I listened to like I did years and years ago...I was happy...I felt resilient....I felt, honestly, happier than I have felt in a very long time. If that feeling is possible, then maybe this detox (and others) will be worth it.
Okay...I think I have written a short novel here - sorry! But the last several days have been really intense, and I am just shocked by it frankly. I really think I am just scared. Once I get over the scared feeling, I just want to lie in bed and rest. Thanks you guys. I honestly think people are so nice here because in order to get healthy, you really do need to deal with yourself. And from my experience in doing that a short time, I treat others with more patience and kindness than I did before. You should all be proud of yourselves if you aren't already!