Suffering from guilt?

ambergirlambergirl Raw Newbie

I have a feeling that I may not be the only one, because about a month or two ago I was active on a thread that dealt with something similar. While I am completely happy with the way I feel when I’m 100% raw, I still “stumble” or whenever I’m with I’m with my boyfriend, I’m not completly raw. But When I’m on my own, and I do stumble, I feel so guilty. And I get angry with myself – almost irate. I feel so disapointed and hopeless that I just wish I could lock myself away. I’ve got the mantra “cooked food is poison” stuck in my head, but it seems that sometimes it’s not enough to keep me from eating cooked foods. Does anyone else go through this, or I am simply completely unbalanced?

Now, I do have history of bulimia (please don’t write me off because of this)... but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think that this wonderfully healthy diet is seeming to bring out my old demons…cause i’m trowing up again. Is there anyone else out there who is going through this??

Comments

  • hey sweety, i can’t say that i’m going through exactly what you are experiencing, but I’ve got a similar history with eating disorders (not bulimia though) and had to join goneraw to respond to your forum. From what you’ve posted, it looks like you’re still trying to recover from your disorder. how long has it been since you last felt like, or did, throw up? (please, if i’m prying don’t feel obligated to answer). The reason i ask is because, even though you’re interest and experience with raw foods progresses, it doesn’t provide the resolution to eating disorders. I only make this claim because a while back I went fully raw, 100%, overnight and stayed that way for a month, but even under those circumstances I found myself pushing my limits again and overeating (I suffered from binge-eating disorder, without purging). And once my raw month ended, I struggled with the same problem I had before… for me, it was a bit of a diversion. So, while the raw diet did/does make me feel like I’m running off pure energy and assist in weight loss, it doesn’t replace the disorder or make it go away; in my case (and it seems like it may be the same for you) it only masked it. At any rate, I don’t want to sound as though I’m denouncing your raw food nutrition, because I think it’s so great that you want to stay healthy (and vegan); my only concern is that you might be using it as a means of diverting your attention from bulimia (which, like any eating disorder, doesn’t disappear if not faced head on). Because it is a healthy diet and because it ultimately keeps you at your optimum weight, it’s an easy outlet… it makes eating disorders not seem as bad because no matter what you eat, you aren’t as prone or subject to the weight issues that correspond with preserved or ‘bad’ foods. ...I wish I could send you a private message instead of this, but it might not be a bad idea to see a therapist or LCSW who specializes in eating disorders. I feel like it could help you out quite a bit, it’ll give you a vehicle to vent and contemplate the reasons why it’s there and the way to resolve it.

    Like you, I’ve also felt really upset (even furious) and regretted eating one thing or another, but it’s important to remember, that even if you choose a healthful lifestyle, these disorders and feelings are not about the food. And, we’re human, which means we’re fallible, but we are in control of our actions no matter how difficult it can sometimes be. We learn from our trials. And, if you’re near the bay area (SF), I could recommend to you an LCSW who is great, gifted, and entirely helpful.

    I hope this helps you. If you’ve got any questions or need to vent about anything, I’d be happy to listen and do my best to help. Good luck with everything. don’t hesitate to type me up a message if you need either! -

  • sweetpeasweetpea Raw Newbie

    Going raw is a process, you are undoing thousands of years of eating cooked food. Try not to be so judgmental on yourself. To allow healing, you must love yourself and embrace the fluctuations of being able to stay raw or eat cooked. It’s not an exam, no one is going to tell you off if you slip. Just see it as part of the transition.

    Guilt is an emotion that has been ingrained in many ways into humans. This emotion and many others will emerge as you are detoxing on raw.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself ambergirl. The fact that you are willing to take on raw is itself is to be commended.

     

  • jenergyjenergy Raw Newbie

    ambergirl, I feel ya! I do the same thing to myself all the time when I eat things I regret. With me it’s sweets, candy in particular. I have a VERY hard time stopping once I start, and then later comes the guilt and shame and rage at myself. It’s almost identical to what I went through with alcohol before I got sober (which was a long, hard battle for me). SammeeRose is right when she says it’s not about the food (or the substance, or whatever). It’s about the underlying behavior and what triggers it. Addiction is cunning and powerful and the mind games that go along with it can be overwhelming. I’m talking from experience here.

    SammeeRose, your words were extremely helpful to me as well, thank you! :o)

  • Luna bluLuna blu Raw Newbie

    ambergirl, i don’t waste my time on guilt. You are not living in the present moment when you are feeling guilt, becuase you are dwelling on something you did in the past. If we were supposed to be perfect, which we are not, then I could see getting mad at yourself. We are only human!!

    The mantra that cooked food is poison, I think is extreme. I look at cooked food like eating cardboard, it has no nutritional value. It’s like a negative.

    So don’t beat yourself up. learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

  • ambergirlambergirl Raw Newbie

    Thank you so much you guys! And especially to SammeeRsoe thank you so much for your reply. I guess that i have to come to terms with the fact that maybe raw has become a sort of diversion instead of a cure for me…and while i would love ot argue that it is about the food, i know that that isn’t true either. thank you so much for your support..!

    SammeeRose – I tried to contact you on myspace, but for some reason, it kept taking me to a different website!

  • I’m so glad I could be of help (to both you [ambergirl] and jenergy).

    i don’t know why my myspace isn’t working… i’ll login and message you, hopefully that’ll work. if not, i’ll give you facebook info… i’m more of a facebooker anyway. ;o)

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