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What is wrong with me?

AVLAVL Raw Newbie

This is another one of those crappy weeks, eating-wise. So, this week I am kind of house-sitting my mom's home. Well I am actually staying at my place, but I go to hers to make sure everythig is ok, the plants are waters, the mail is in, etc. The problem is that at her house she has all the "good stuff" I used to eat. For 3 days in a row now, I go there after work, around 3 before going home (because it's right by my work, so it makes no sense to drive home and then drive there again). The problem is that when I am there I end up bingeing on foods like bread, bagels, almond butter and Nutella. I know...not that great, but it tastes really good. I feel horrible and so guilty after eating all that junk.

Why am I eating all that "junk"? It's not like I don't eat enought during the day and I eat a lot of fruit, so it's not like my blood sugar is low.

When I am home I don't crave these foods at all, I don't even think about it, but when I go to my mom's it's a whole different different story.

Any tips on how to deal with these feelings when I am there? Also, any one knows why I binge on these foods?


  • pixxpixx Raw Master

    "any one knows why I binge on these foods?"

    Because you still view them as the "good stuff".

  • AVLAVL Raw Newbie

    How do I change my view about them and see them as "bad foods"? I know that breads and bagels are cooked and processed and Nutella is filled with tons of sugar, oil and milk. Logically I know that these foods are not good for me, but when I am in that "zone" I just don't care. I guess I should just stay away from my mom's house!

  • keewikeewi Raw Newbie

    If you want to see cooked food as "bad foods" binge out of control. Binge to the point where you are sick and feel like if you eat cooked food again you are going to die. It is gonna hurt your stomach, make you feel like shit, and you will probably feel like even more shit when it's coming out. This is what I did a couple times when I was raw and living/working at an ice cream shop. It made me realize cooked foods seriously suck after eating raw foods and I've never had a problem since. Once you eat exclusively raw for about a month the raw food will start to taste better and better. And if you eat a cooked meal you will realize it has no taste. If you eat part cooked food and part raw you will never experience this and always have the addiction feeling. People who eat cooked foods have 2 tastebuds per millimeter on their tongue, raw foodists have over 200 tastebuds per millimeter. So have faith binge out until cooked food is coming out every orpheus of your body, then switch over to 100% raw foods like you don't have an option and are about to die of cancer.

    If that still doesn't work then hit me up, move to the Big Island, and I'll put you on the best tasting raw food ever. I'm about to go eat a breakfast brownie that is way better then any cooked version and any cooked breakfast in taste, fuck nutrients, we all know raw foodists get all their nutrients, but taste is what I specialize in. And I make the tastiest raw food ever!

  • AVLAVL Raw Newbie

    keewi, I would love to go to Hawaii! I'm sure there are tons of cool fruits there that we don't have in Canada. About bingeing on cooked foods until my stomach is going to explode...been there, done that! It seems to work for a few days and then I "forget" about the bad experience.

    I want to go 100% raw for a 1 week and see how I feel. I will start tonight (why wait until tomorrow?) Thanks for the inspiration!

  • I think we eat them because they are "free". It's like people that smoke out of other peoples ciggarette packs, if you don't buy it yourself it is not a REAL problem! Ha ha! I do this with food too... I think "Oh Ill just have a tiny bite just this once then I'll be good"..... I did not buy it so I can not eat the whole jar of nut butter, right? But go back the next day, and day after that, just a little here and there. Right, but then after 3 days you have a new old habit back. Addictive!

    Could it help to realize that it is not "free"? It comes at great cost. It is guilt-ridden prison when we believe we are following old habits we know we would be better off resisting, but don't. And when I get into that habit of free food in someone elses cabinet, I can gain a bloated belly in just 2 days!...by adding even a little refined junk.

  • pixxpixx Raw Master

    In my experience- remembering what it feels like to eat it (or after eating it) is what makes it not "the good stuff".

    Every time, ask yourself: Do I really want this? How did it make me feel last time? Do I really want to feel that way again? Get past the initial reaction ("ooh, good stuff!"), ***Physically Stop And Pause***, and really THINK it through. Imagine eating it, and how you FEEL. Then decide.

  • Sometimes we need to learn lessons over, and over, and over...but that doesn't mean anything is wrong with us! Try to incorporate as much raw into your diet as you can and with time, as your body and taste buds adapt, cooked food will lose its appeal. When you eat it, it will taste flat and disappointing. Make conscious decisions for yourself as often as possible, and pay attention to those little "slip-ups".

  • AVL, I'm with you on this one, girl. I'm wondering the same thing!!

    I became interested in Raw foods because of the amazing health benefits and it's literally the answer to almost all of my problems. I was never vegetarian or vegan first like a lot were--so if I slip up, I easily slip up on the most unhealthy things!!

    Thanks for the post--I'm learning too!

  • AVL, I completely understand where you're coming from. I was also a SAD eater before I began eating raw foods about 6 weeks ago. I still have slip ups, and it's usually on drinks believe it or not. Coffee is my biggest vice. I also had it out with a bowl of mac 'n cheese once about a week ago.

    It's just one of those things that happens. I also found that I'm not very well prepared... such as, if you know you're going to your Mom's house and you know she's got food in the cupboards, make the conscious decision to bring something with you to eat that's safe and raw. I know that when I'm in my house, i feel "safe" like I've got everything where it needs to be and my guide rails are in place to help keep me from going "off track." When I look in the fridge, I see healthy; same with my cupboards. I have a juicer on the counter... everything reminds me of raw.

    But when I go to my mother in law's house, the first thing I smell is coffee. And pastries. Breads, cookies on the counter, candy in the dishes... she always offers you something too. "Are you hungry? Surely you can have a little of this.. it's not bad, it's home made."

    Now I make sure that if we're going over there, I try as hard as I can to bring a container of fruit with me or, to show her that I can eat "good stuff too!", I bring strawberries and agave-based chocolate sauce.

    When you get to your Mom's, you probably remember all those times when you were eating the SAD. You also felt okay eating it within those walls - so that feeling comes back and you're probably thinking, hey, I'm where I always was when I ate this, so it's not wrong... even though you know it is :)

    Hang in there and thanks for posting this, your honesty makes me feel so much better about my own struggles!



  • Thanks for sharing this AVL !! Your post really hit home for me too.

    I have been 100% raw for 11 days (doing a 30 day raw challenge with my boss). I had some cooked spaghetti for dinner tonight. After doing so well on my 30 day challenge I was feeling down on myself this evening for slipping up. I am only human however, and beating myself up any more is not going to do me any good. I have accomplished a lot over the last 11 days, and I need to remember that and learn from my experience tonight. By the way, I have to agree about loosing your taste for cooked food - it held no resemblance to what I remember in my mind - it was tasteless and bland. Yuck!

    I wish you success on going raw. I know you can do it :-) This forum is such a amazing source of support and inspiration and I am thankful that I am not alone in my journey - and the struggles of adjusting to this new lifestyle.

  • AVLAVL Raw Newbie

    Thanks for all the support everyone! Knowing that I am not the only one with little slip ups makes me feel so much better. You know it's very difficult when you are surrounded by people who don't eat like you do, when you walk into a grocery store and you can all you can smell is the fresh bread baking, when people are bringing in cakes, cookies and donuts at works. I know that these foods are not good for you, but they are still very tempting.

    aspyn2003, congrats on going 100% raw for 11 days! I haven't been able to go to past 2 days at 100%. Don't worry about the spaghetti, it was just 1 out of 100s of meals during the 30 challenge. It won't make a different physically, and don't let it bother you emotionally. You can do it!

  • J AJ A

    I believe that knowledge alone is seldom enough. Our relationship to food is emotional, not rational. There is nothing wrong with that but if you make the decision to follow a specific diet such as raw food, you will be far better off if you know where your emotions are headed. You know the impulse - ohh that wonderful smell of fresh bread... mmm I can almost feel the taste of that ice cream on my tongue... These are not physical impulses but emotional. I believe they are emotional on at least two levels; (1) there are positive memories and emotions connected to a specific food and (2) food helps to quell strong emotions which we unconsciously don't want to face.

    To take an example, I now understand my impulse to quell traumatic emotions from my early childhood leads to sugar. For whatever reason, sugar is the key for me - it switches off that traumatic, unconscious sound from my earliest childhood. I don't know why but it could be that when I cried as a baby and my mother didn't have the time or energy to take me into her arms and breastfeed me, I was given something with sugar in it instead (sugar water, cow milk, sugary juice etc.). Raw sugary fruits give me all the sugar I need and thus I have absolutely no difficulties being 100 % raw.

    My wife, on the other hand, doesn't react to sugar but needs wheat (bread, pasta etc.) and cheese to fence off the traumatic memories. This has a huge impact on us as it has been very easy for me to switch to raw foods - after all, I can easily quell my emotions with sugary fruits instead of chocolate (which I used to consume in large amounts). She, on the other hand, has found no raw foods which will act like bread, pasta and cheese.

    Please note that I do not (yet) know what kind of traumatic early childhood memories I'm quelling. They sit too deep and are unconscious, from the time before I could talk so there are no words to describe them. I'm sure they will surface with time as I learn to meditate instead of grabbing some sugary fruits when the impulse comes. I know there are techniques to "force" them out (rebirthing, emotional freedom techniques, Rosen therapy etc.) but I believe the emotions will eventually come out when I stop to listen to my heart (meditate) when I feel the impulse.

    I believe almost everyone living today has these traumatic emotions from early childhood. Having through excessive reading (Jean Liedloff, Thomas Ljungberg, Jesper Juul, James McKinnel and lots of others) come to understand what babies need emotionally, it is my belief that over 99 % of all human beings on this earth today have not received all the love and caring they need as babies. This is because the parents didn't receive it themselves as babies and so lack the emotional tools to give their child all the love and caring they need. There are huge variations, to be sure, with some people coming from an extremely traumatic childhood, others from only very mildly traumatic and most people falling somewhere in between. Our ability to regenerate and recover both emotionally and physically is amazing and it is truly wonderful that we, as adults, can heal all the emotional wounds from our childhood and then give our children all the love they need so that the wounds don't need to be passed on to the next generation. Restoring love and harmony in the human soul will probably take a number of generations, but those who grow up without deep emotional wounds will change the world fundamentally as their numbers increase.

    When there are traumatic wounds in our souls, we tend to become self-destructive. This self-destructiveness comes in varying shapes and strengths, but it includes alcohol, tobacco, violence, unhealthy food, negligence of our physical needs (often lack of excercise), even suicide. The foundation of this self-destructiveness is the lack of love experienced in earliest childhood; the tiny baby, feeling the lack of love and caring when it is left alone or not given the love and proximity it needs, for some reason starts to believe the fault is its own. A negative image of its self is created and then the child will go on to become self-destructive, in varying degrees.

    It is perfectly possible to be very self-destructive yet be 100 % vegan or even raw vegan. Self-destructiveness coming from traumatic childhood emotions can be expressed, among other things, as hate, anger and fear. These emotions sometimes surface in alternative movements towards mainstream people; for instance, there is often much hate and aggression in the hearts of vegans who oppose the use of animal products. It is quite possible to make alternative, healthy and even ethically strong choices yet remain wounded in the heart.

    There once lived a boy who was daily beaten as a child and tried to escape his home when he was a young teenager. He was caught and beaten almost dead. He grew up to a young man with artistic aspirations, yet with an incredible talent to manipulate people. His heart was so covered in wounds no connection could be established between his heart and his consciousness, his soul a tormented shadow of its natural, beautiful self. His life was a battle as his bleeding heart led him into darkness and misery; he even wrote a book called "Mein Kampf".

    When there are no wounds, there is no hate, fear or aggression. There is no violence and there is no persecution. There is no overconsumption of resources and no forcible use of what others need.

    Unwounded hearts carry peace and harmony.

    Unwounded hearts don't invent weapons.

    Unwounded hearts don't revert to violence.

    Unwounded hearts don't indulge in self-destructiveness.

    Unwounded hearts are home to love and understanding.

    The key to understanding why we indulge in self-destructive activities is to listen to our heart. The explanation is right there. This is something I have realized recently and I have only begun to meditate when I feel the impulse to eat something sugary. It is very difficult at first as the impulse to eat keeps demanding my attention, but the few times I have succeeded in remaining calm it has succumbed and finally gone away. I have felt an emotion, but so subtle and distant that I have not been able to discern what it is. I am sure I will learn, given time. You can, too - just tune in to your heart, give yourself the time to listen what your heart has to tell you and do not let negative emotions harm you when you fail to listen and succumb to the impulse. I used to hate myself when I did things I really didn't want to do. I still do these things every now and then (not food related) but now I want to listen to the underlying emotion instead of hating myself for doing what I do. I am sure my self-destructive impulses will disappear when I come to see the emotions I've been hiding for 28 years and the emotions can be let free.

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